We are on a cleaning kick lately -- the first round came when we put one of those ductless air conditioner splits in our bedroom, and we had to move the bed and tidy things up for the workmen. Holy crow we should move the bed more often -- there were probably 4 cats worth of fur wadded up under there and clinging to the baseboards (gross, I know). But, we cleaned up the nightstands and the bookshelves, and the assorted clutter that just accumulates at astonishing speeds over not a whole lot of time.
It looked lovely after the clean (and the air conditioner thing is AMAZING -- living in a cape cod you're basically sleeping in the attic, so even with central air it never truly cools down...but now it's gloriously chilled upstairs), but we didn't feel an overwhelming need to attack further or attack other spaces, even though "purge the things" is on our summer list.
But then we went to see a house on Sunday (more on that later), and there's something about a house staged for showing that is just so CLEAN and so UNCLUTTERED that inspired us, if not to buy the house, then to go home and organize and purge and pretend we live in a tiny house. It doesn't feel that far off, even though our home is at least four times the size of a tiny house at 1600 square feet. I have a bit of a tiny house obsession.
So we attacked the bedroom and the closet some more, and in doing so I had a moment of, "WHY are these out and taking up so much of my bedroom bookshelf space?" when I saw all of my "how to deal with infertility and adoption" books taking up at least 18 inches. Pretty much all of the infertility and adoption reads on my sidebar still lived there, along with a few related memoirs, which I moved down to my memoir shelf. (Yes, I have a memoir shelf.)
Taking them off the shelf was so freaking freeing, as was pushing the stack over so they toppled across the floor and acknowledging all of the hope and pain and work and fruitless toiling that went into buying and reading (and rereading) all those books.
I stuffed them in a drawer in the nook, where I can't see them but they still exist, because I'm not quite ready to let them go completely, but they no longer deserve precious shelf space. They reflect a version of me that doesn't exist in quite the same way anymore. They are part of my whole, part of my ever-evolving story, but I just don't want to look at them anymore.
It's amazing that this grieving process just keeps going, at its own pace -- I could have never cleaned out that shelf at any time last year, it just wouldn't have felt right. But now? It was just the right time.
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Glad the time felt right and you were able to get that done! I love looking at photos of tiny houses, but I have too much trouble getting rid of stuff.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's gross under everyone's bed unless they just moved in last week.
Good for you, Jess! It is such a great feeling to be able to clear spaces in this way.
ReplyDeleteTaking back your space is an important (and ongoing) part of taking back your life. You go, girl!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of you pushing the stack over. I think it's important to realise that some objects create emotional burdens simply by existing. I'm glad you felt it was liberating. And I'm glad that you're grieving and healing at your own pace, when it feels right. Listening to ourselves is healing in its own right.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great feeling! <3
ReplyDeleteI remember taking all of my infertility-related books off my bookshelf too. They didn't need to be there anymore. I kept about three (I don't remember exactly how many, the vast majority of my friends, I mean books, are in storage) and donated the rest. Hopefully they will bring knowledge and comfort to someone who is looking for those things.
Oh, I love this. Taking back space is such a therapeutic thing!
ReplyDelete(inconceivable/katherineA)
Oh no! Looks like my comment got lost. Is it in your spam?
ReplyDeleteOh no! Nope, not in spam, must be lost in space. :(
DeleteGrief moves in its own time...it is part of letting go. Love you.
ReplyDeleteGetting rid of stuff is hard, but cathartic. :) I got rid of a lot of my pregnancy & infertility books quite a while ago, although I did keep my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" as a "souvenir" of my one failed pregnancy. I have always been a bit of a packrat -- and there is still scope to get rid of still more stuff, I think! (although there is some stuff I don't think I'll ever part with) -- but our condo is much less "stuffed" than our house was, and it does feel cleaner! But you can really only do it when you're good & ready, I think! -- and everyone's timeline is different!
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