As frank as I am, it doesn't stop people from saying stupid shit.
At my birthday party, a friend brought an out-of-town relative as her guest, and towards the end of the night she started what was initially a lovely conversation:
"I hear you're expecting a baby through adoption, isn't that wonderful!"
Yes, yes it's wonderful! And then...
"You know what's going to happen...you're going to bring that baby home and six months later you're going to get pregnant!"
Um, no. And I said as much.
"Oh, no, I'm a therapist, and I've seen it happen!"
Well, it won't happen that way for us. You may have seen it happen, but you haven't seen my medical records.
It is surprisingly not a rare occurrence to have someone tell me that they know someone or know someone who knows someone (or whatever convoluted six degrees of separation they have from the person) who planned to adopt, or did adopt, and then got pregnant. I mean, I know this does actually happen, even though it is way rarer than everyone who subjects you to this legend tells you. But I don't think adoption got them pregnant, any more than the zillion people who I know of who had a spontaneous pregnancy after years of IVF got pregnant because they "stopped thinking about it." It is not a causal relationship. Adoption is not a fertility treatment. It also irritates me because I am very excited about adoption and have moved on and grieved through never being pregnant, and that kind of statement totally disregards the process it takes to mourn the possibility of pregnancy and build up the anticipation of a different kind of family-building.
Another woman that I do know, sort of, told me that my wait is so long because "of all the women having abortions." Wow, I had no idea that was a causal relationship, that the length of my wait is directly proportional to the number of abortions performed. I truly had no clue what to say other than, "I don't think that's actually the reason, and it is quite hard to decide to carry your baby all the way to full term and then place him or her with another family to raise, so it's not like it's an easy decision." I realize this is a touchy topic, but seriously? Someone else's abortion was not my baby.
Lastly, more people than I can count keep asking why, WHY didn't we just try surrogate? And this is without mentioning our frosty snowflakes sitting in the cryobank waiting to be matched with a family who might be able to carry them successfully. It is so much fun explaining all the legal intricacies of gestational carrier in NY, as is getting sort of posthumous offers to carry from people who've had hysterectomies (as in, "it's too bad, I totally would have carried for you if I didn't have a hysterectomy xx years ago"). Nevermind that usually I don't even really know these people all that well.
I have to remember that these people are trying to connect with me, no matter how bizarre or misguided the attempt, and that my best course of action is to take a deep breath, educate, and smile rather than to shout "WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH YOU???" Some of this comes from ignorance, some of it from urban legends, some of it from a well-meaning place that just gets twisted up somehow. So breathe, educate, smile, repeat.
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