It is really bizarre to realize that even though I am still of reproductive age, I am no longer a reproductive being. That's not the purpose of my body anymore. I answer the questions "no" to trying to get pregnant, "yes" to having had pregnancies but "no" to having had births, and it no longer guts me.
It's kind of freeing to have my body be truly mine again. It feels like I had a possession of sorts, that for a period of my life my body wasn't meant for me but for growing someone else, even though it wasn't ever good at that and I tried so many crazy things to coax it into being more compliant.
My body is mine, all mine -- my questions are about my own long term health and management and how Depo Provera can give me peace of mind and keep my stupid reproductive system in check until it decides to check out, and how now that I am accepting of the fact that I am infertile I am otherwise perfectly normal and healthy in my nether regions.
It was truly the first time that I didn't leave that yearly appointment and sob in the car out of disappointment, and betrayal, and loss.
I went home and went for a walk in the brisk April air with Bryce, and celebrated my body for what it can do...forgiving what it can't.
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!
Divert glad you found a peaceful closure for that part of your life, as had as it was to get there. And so very glad you are feeling better and that your lungs allowed you to go for a lovely April walk đ
ReplyDeleteThat's I am so glad...not divert. Auto correct is killing me lately!
DeleteThank you -- autocorrect isn't my friend most of the time, either. So annoying when it's supposed to make things better, not worse. YES to feeling better! And I love "peaceful closure." Perfect way to sum it up, and thanks for acknowledging that it was hard to get there. Whew. :)
DeleteLovely post. Reclaiming your body after infertility can be the hardest part of the journey. Because of my chromosome issue I always felt like my body betrayed me. Here I was seemingly healthy, medicine got me pregnant very quickly, twice, and yet here was this thing inside me, that made ME me, I couldn't see it, but there it was, the root of all of our issues. It was a rough and dark few years after my diagnosis and it took me a long time to not hate my body for what it was doing to my future. Now I focus on the positive, and all the wonderful things my body can still do, and yes, forgiveness. That's the best part.
ReplyDeleteThank you! YES, the whole body-betraying thing. I can so relate to your statement that it "took along time to not hate my body for what it was doing to my future." I couldn't say it any better. I am aiming to make peace with my body, and the forgiveness is so important. Thank you for sharing your perspective and connections!
DeleteI feel the same way about these visits. Before they were torture as there was the reminder of how my body was failing me and before that the fear of keeping it from reproducing too soon. Now I can actually focus on my health:
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, infertility did teach me what aspects of my health to monitor. Something that those who didn't go through this journey find surprising but also then realize there are aspects they don't consider. One silver lining from this whole experience.
Glad to hear the appointment was a good one.
Yes, oh I so feel that torture-to-wellness thing. And I totally agree that infertility makes you hyper aware of how your body is supposed to be and any tip-offs to things that might require aid, sooner. I also have become that annoying lady who tells 20-somethings to not disregard painful periods and to ask about fertility even if they aren't planning to procreate anytime soon, so they can catch stuff early. I am a weirdo who talks to coworkers about periods. :) It was a really good appointment, thank you!
DeleteDifferent situation, but I had a similar sense of making peace with my body after my hysterectomy in November. I'm so glad you've reached this landmark, and hoping for even more positive news for you.
ReplyDeleteI can see how that would totally mesh up with this experience-- a hysterectomy is literally saying goodbye to that reproductive part of you, it has a finality that I can imagine is hard even if you're done mentally with pregnancy and all that. Thank you for your well-wishes!
DeleteThis is beyond lovely - celebrating your body for what it can do. I'm thrilled you are reaching a place of healing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I like that, "a place of healing." It definitely feels like a healing time when it comes to my body's part in all this mess. Time to appreciate the things it does do, which are numerous!
DeleteThat's a huge step: "Celebrated my body for what it can do...forgiving what it can't." Glad that you reached it :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you! It felt momentous. Hard to achieve it, but it feels peaceful for sure... no more My Body, My Enemy.
DeleteI love this post, Jess. Even though we will start trying again once we get test results, be it via DS IUI or naturally, I am so enjoying these few months of my body being my own. Sometimes I think that's a really morbid thought, so you are such a reassurance to me that what I am feeling is normal and okay.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It is amazing how much trying when it's not easy takes over your body. It's not a morbid thought at all, in my mind. It's one thing when your body isn't your own because you're growing another human, it's another when you feel taken over by a process that may or may not bring you to that point. I hope all the best for you in your next try! Exciting times, even when hard.
DeleteI love love love this! Yes, that's how I feel now. The freedom of menopause/no uterus/no AF is even better!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post a few years ago about forgiving my body, and appreciating what it can do. Maybe I need to read that again right now, to forgive it for hurtling me down the stairs, and appreciate that I can still use one leg at least! Thanks for reminding me of this.
This is such a wonderful post - I completely hear you about the sense of freedom when all of a sudden, your body ceases to be a battleground and becomes yours again. I'm happy you've reached that point!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Yes, yes! A battleground for sure, and now there's peace and flowers growing on the field where bloodstains once were. Now THAT'S a morbid thought... :) Thank you so much, it is definitely freeing.
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