It is really bizarre to realize that even though I am still of reproductive age, I am no longer a reproductive being. That's not the purpose of my body anymore. I answer the questions "no" to trying to get pregnant, "yes" to having had pregnancies but "no" to having had births, and it no longer guts me.
It's kind of freeing to have my body be truly mine again. It feels like I had a possession of sorts, that for a period of my life my body wasn't meant for me but for growing someone else, even though it wasn't ever good at that and I tried so many crazy things to coax it into being more compliant.
My body is mine, all mine -- my questions are about my own long term health and management and how Depo Provera can give me peace of mind and keep my stupid reproductive system in check until it decides to check out, and how now that I am accepting of the fact that I am infertile I am otherwise perfectly normal and healthy in my nether regions.
It was truly the first time that I didn't leave that yearly appointment and sob in the car out of disappointment, and betrayal, and loss.
I went home and went for a walk in the brisk April air with Bryce, and celebrated my body for what it can do...forgiving what it can't.
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