This is the year...the countdown has begun.
This May, I turn forty.
And this past weekend, it suckerpunched me in my pleasantly laugh-lined face.
There are things you think will be in place by the time you're forty, you know? And so many of them are. I am a lucky lucky lady to have an amazing husband and a job I love and feel meant to do. We just have that pesky baby-shaped hole to contend with.
And maybe that hole won't exist in May, but the maybe made me very sad over the weekend.
We were sitting at dinner, planning out what we might or might not do for my fortieth birthday (party? go away? hide?) and then it occurred to us that whatever is planned, needs to have a cancellation policy...just in case.
This Just In Case would be wonderful, and I would gladly forgo birthday celebration in favor of having Mystery Baby revealed and in our arms, but the overwhelming uncertainty of it all put me in a funk that lasted all weekend long and left me feeling a bit hollow.
I'm not a liar when I say that not getting chosen by that profile call wasn't devastating and that it just wasn't our baby then...but the disappointment is having a bit of a lasting effect on me. It took five months to get that call...what if it takes five more to get a second one? What if I face another birthday (and a BIG one at that) and another Mother's Day (which happens the weekend right after my birthday, EVERY SINGLE YEAR) in this ether of uncertainty and waiting?
There's not much use in mulling over it too much, but all the uncertainty and feeling makes me think:
Here it is, that milestone that had Meg Ryan in tears in When Harry Met Sally: "And I'm going to be FORTY! SOMEDAAAAAAYYYYYY!" and my someday is marching fast on the horizon..."It's just sitting there, like a big dead end!"
Somehow forty without our family resolved feels like a slap in the face even though I've known for a year that forty doesn't mean much for my reproductive capabilities. I already know my biological clock is broken and can't be repaired.
It's a dark splotch on my otherwise sunny disposition. Hopefully as it gets closer I can be more at peace with what forty is and feels like, for me.
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