Bryce and I were driving to a local walking trail Sunday when I had a flash of memory.
Three years ago, after I lost our only uterine pregnancy that seemed so promising, I remember staring numbly at the carpet near my feet and saying,
"What if this is it? What if this is the only taste of pregnancy I get? What if this brief couple of weeks that ended in sorrow is all we get?"
On this beautiful fall day, as we prepare for the baby that is closer and closer to coming our way, I realized that those words were true. That WAS it. That WAS my last experience with my own pregnancy. I WON'T have that experience again.
Bryce sat in the car quietly after I shared my memory flash and said,
"I remember you saying that."
The funny thing was, I said it without crying. Without feeling a vast emptiness in my chest or a lump in my throat. I said it because it's true, but it just means that pregnancy isn't how our baby will come to us. Not my pregnancy, anyway.
I wanted it so badly, but it wasn't ultimately my pathway. Sometimes I think about how much the desire to be pregnant took over navigating our journey, and if I hadn't wanted that experience so badly, if I could have seen the baby for the bump instead of the forest for the trees, we could have been parents sooner.
Coulda shoulda woulda...doesn't really help anything constructive. I could feel tremendous amounts of guilt for my pregnancy fervor that took us (in hindsight) off course, but guilt is a wasted emotion. It's just interesting to think on for a minute.
Because right now, I feel closer to parenthood than ever. It may take longer than we think, or shorter than we think, but we feel confident that we can weather any storms that may come our way on this route to our Mystery Baby. I do feel sad every once in a while that I won't get to bake that baby, but I get all the rest of the milestones and the moments and the lifetime of parenting -- without stretchmarks, the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth, or cankles. It's a pretty good trade, I think, but a trade nonetheless. I lost something worthy of mourning, but it is a brief moment in the grand scheme of things. What I gained, what WE gained, is beautiful and full of hope...and will last a heck of a lot longer than 40 short weeks.
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