Soothing the Mother's Day Ache

Early May used to be a one-two punch -- first, my birthday, then Mother's Day.

This year I realized that a gift of resolution is reclaiming my birthday as a celebration of the life I have, and not what is lacking. My age is now separated completely from what I want in life. From 33 to 41 my age was a constant reminder that the clock was ticking, that the deadline was looming, that my eggs weren't getting any younger, that my tired and scarred uterus wasn't getting any younger, that my ability to bounce back was waning, that my attractiveness to prospective expectant/birth parents was slipping each time I blew out candles.

This year, I was like, "Huh, 44. Well, that's a pretty cool number, and while I can't wrap my head around the fact that now I'm as old as my parents were when I got married the first time, I'm okay with it. I'm grateful for 44 years. I hope I get at least 44 more. I'm pretty happy with where I've landed at 44. Yay life!"

It's a pretty amazing thing, to have the sting removed from a day that felt so foreboding for so long.

Which brings me to Mother's Day. That day has NOT lost its sting. Or maybe it's more of an ache, not quite as acute as it once was.

But still, Mother's Day weekend is hard, hard, hard. For a brief moment I slip into a melancholy state of feeling sorry for myself. Of feeling left out of a holiday that will never, never be about celebrating me.

Some of the things that trigger the Mother's Day blues aren't there -- I don't have cable and so I don't see a whole lot of Mother's Day ads, I can't go out shopping in public and see sales and heartstrings-pulling ads in person. I did have a few meetings this week where people said HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU MOMS OUT THERE! and various comments about how special moms are and how much they deserve the celebration. Which I agree, I'm all for celebrating your mom, but it's always a tiny bit stabby to hear that and then be like, "oh yeah, not for me, never for me."

I can avoid social media (sort of), but now that's one way to connect with people (or at least feel somewhat connected) now that we are all isolated and hunkered down. I will NOT be going up there tomorrow though, I can tell you that. Nope nopitty nope. Already it's full of people putting up memes and posts about the beauty of motherhood, and people who are receiving drive-by Mother's Day gifts from their "mom friends." Which is cool, but then brings me to that womp-womp moment of "no one's ever going to do that for me."

Then again, I did have a few people drive by to drop off birthday prizes and say hello, so that was something, to be celebrated in that way during this weird pandemic.

And today, I had a moment that took this Woe-Is-Me funk I'd been feeling and turned it into absolute gratitude and amazement.

One of my students, a girl who had been pretty challenging during the school year and who struggled mightily with social distraction and being the center of drama while also struggling academically, had her mom drive her to my house to drop off a bag of goodies. Normally this might be a touch creepy since it would mean googling me or something, but I had sent cards of encouragement to all my students and personalized them, and she was always a "save the turtles" VSCO girl earlier in the year so I made hers a pretty sea turtle card. So, my return address was on the envelope. And she loved it -- I got a text from her (yup, weird again that everyone has my number but such is COVID Life) that said it really meant a lot and she loved it. This is a girl that I've connected with 1:1 through the Google Meets, but still have to track her down and call her mom when she blows me off, and then she shows up regularly. I wanted her to know that her attendance mattered to me, that I wanted to help her be successful in this weird new educational world, and I was going to hold her accountable. And her mom totally backed me up. This is a girl who can be very difficult, but who also can be downright generous and caring and seemed to start turning a corner right before the buildings closed down. I was so upset, because we were on a really great trajectory and then BAM, closed. But I kept trying.

I guess all that made an impression, because a car came down the driveway this afternoon and I was like, "who is that?" and then I saw it was my student, with a gift bag. I grabbed my mask and went downstairs and did the 10 foot thing (6 feet is too close!), and waved at her mom and chatted for a moment. I went inside in a bit of a daze and opened up the bag.

A few things I can't eat/drink in here, but it's the thought that overwhelmingly counts
(and Bryce will pick up the slack, ha ha)

As I pulled each item from the bag, starting with the wine and the orange Bud Light, I laughed. And then I started sobbing. Deep, heaving sobs.

I cried because there was so much love and appreciation in each of those items. I cried because it was the most amazing moment, to have a student and a parent show up and bring a gift like that for me. Because I would NEVER EVER have guessed in October that this would be a young lady who'd do this kind of thing for me.

They were happy tears, and bittersweet tears. I may not have a Mother's Day that's meant for me, but how can I not see this for the beautiful thing that it is? I do not have children, despite desperately wanting them. But I absolutely get to love children and have an impact on their lives, and it's a gift. They have an impact on me, too. They are not my children, but they do take up a space in my heart that used to be a gaping baby-shaped hole.

As much as Mother's Day is still hard, it's moments like these that make it sting a lot less. And, for those of you still in the throes of the horrible Mother's Day blues, know that it gets better -- whether you end up a mom or not. The pain is still there, but the ability to see around it just grows and grows and grows.