#Microblog Mondays: An Answer For The Unexplained

Technically speaking, I did not have unexplained infertility -- we had several diagnoses working against us. I was (finally!) diagnosed with PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome), and Bryce had male factor infertility (low counts, low motility, low morphology). There was no mysterious reason why we would have trouble, we were spared the hazy and infuriating "unexplained infertility" that came from having no revealed diagnoses.

However.

As we continued through cycle after cycle, as we suffered negative after negative, two losses, donor egg, and donor sperm, and STILL had no success...it became clear that while we had diagnoses, we were still Unexplained.

Because all of the things that we did to combat our infertility should have been mitigated by any or all of our treatment decisions. By the end of our time at our first clinic, our doctor said, "I should be able to tell you why you can't get and stay pregnant, but I can't -- it's an unfortunate mystery."

But now, four and a half years after our last attempt to make my body do what I now know it never could, I have the answer, because my uterus is no longer in my body and could be poked and prodded and forced to give up its secrets in a pathology lab.

I had my second follow up with my surgeon, and he confirmed that yes, adenomyosis was likely the culprit for our failure to conceive despite a zillion IVF protocols, use of donor egg, and use of donor sperm; that based on my history of heavy, painful periods, abnormal uterine bleeding, and pelvic pain, it was likely there all along. As I blinked back tears, he said that I could take comfort in the fact that it is commonly not diagnosed until hysterectomy and that there isn't anything they could have done to mitigate the condition in order to result in a pregnancy. (Two articles on adenomyosis and infertility: 1) easy to read celebrity story, 2) mind-dizzying NIH report that I read all of and comprehended maybe 70%, but if you're science-y it's fascinating and also fills me with fury that there's a possible treatment for this in infertile women but very little research done to extend it.)

I'm not looking for blame or a gotcha, but I do feel like had I known that I had a condition with no treatment that would inhibit implantation and even contribute to first trimester miscarriage, I would have known there was no hope. I could have, in theory, stopped the relentless march down path after path promising possible pregnancy that ravaged my body and soul.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. All moot. I have no time machine. It makes no difference.

I'm glad I asked though, and I heard the too-late bells tolling for my uterus's functionality. It is so sad to me to realize that pregnancy was never, ever, EVER going to be something my body could achieve to term. But it is also freeing to have an answer, to have it confirmed by my surgeon, to have my uterus finally do something useful at the end of its miserable life.

Knowing is so much better than not-knowing.

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