Monday, May 21, 2018

#Microblog Mondays: Back to Being ChildFREE

When I wrote about Mother's Day, I said it was a day that made me feel childLESS, not childFREE, and I was not alone in making that distinction.

This week though, I am feeling some of the benefits of being childFREE.

I went on the 8th grade Washington D.C. trip as a chaperone for the first time, from 5:30 am.m Thursday to 9:30 p.m. Saturday, and holy hell was that a whirlwind of craziness. It was fun, but as I experienced clogged toilets and puking children and the endless energy of the bus ride (FOUR Disney movies, FOUR, despite having a bus breakdown an hour before Gettysburg and ending up sharing the three other buses all day Friday -- Zootopia Thursday, Monsters Inc/The Lion King/Big Hero 6 Saturday) -- I felt like, "ok, I can do this through school in small batches, I'm good with that."  I mean, I used to bristle a lot more when people would say, "Oh, you're a teacher, all your kids are like YOUR kids," but honestly it does feel like there is some truth to that statement. Having a boatload of 13-14 year olds at once is no one's dream, but while I have them, they are mine and I love them and I can take care of calling maintenance to help fix the toilet and advise children not to walk all over the soggy towels mopping up poo water to show me how squishy they are and soothe children who have puked in the recycling bin. Also, I got quite a lot of hugs.

But then, I got to go home, and instead of having to take care of children of my own, I could snag a little of Bryce's time and sleep until 11 on Sunday and not have to cook for small people or get them ready for school or lessons or whatever.  I could recover without needing to split my energy.

And, with Bryce deep, deep in his qualification exam prep, I can help out and not feel super resentful because I am doing all the childcare. I am picking up more catcare and housecare, but it's not the same as if we had small children. And I am grateful in a weird way for that.

I feel like it's major progress, to be grateful.

Especially since one of my girls on the trip said, "Do you have kids, Mrs. T?" and I realized I have her in Social Studies and so she hasn't been privy to my tale of woe, so I said, "I don't -- it didn't work out. Mr. T and I tried for 8 years in many different ways, but it just NEVER worked out." [mildly cringey, didn't clarify that we did IVF and then adoption and not 8 years of the creepy adult teacher sex]
"Even adoption? What about adoption?"
"Nope, not even adoption. Two years of adoption turned out to be all we could handle. Sometimes you just don't get what you want."
"Oh no, that's so sad!"
"Yes, yes it is. But it's okay. Sometimes things just don't work out."

I DID NOT CRY. It was all very matter-of-fact. And in my head, I thought, "And now I can give so much more to you guys, to my wonderful students who I love and embarrass and laugh with as if they are my own, but then I go home to my quiet house at the end of the day and recoup.

Which doesn't seem so bad anymore, actually.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

14 comments:

  1. Lovely post, Jess! I think it is a major milestone to get to the stage where we can truly appreciate the advantages of not having children. Being grateful, being happy, doesn't mean we didn't want them, or didn't want them enough. It means we can see our lives as they are, and appreciate them as just that.

    (Great minds think alike - this is very similar to my MM post this week!)

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    1. Thank you! It felt like a big milestone, to be sitting at home, in the quiet, and have slept in on Sunday to recover, and then come in on Monday and have so many other chaperones bemoan all they had to do for their kids on Sunday. I felt a little fortunate for my situation then, which is lovely. And I love what you say, it doesn't mean we didn't want kids, or want them enough, but that acknowledging the plus sides in what we have is a healthy thing. And yeah, so funny that they are so similar! :)

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  2. Children are so frank... and empathetic. This little girl met you with more understanding than a lot of the “respected” grown ups I know. It sounds like you are on the road to a healing heart.... these conversations don’t come easy. Take care.

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    1. Yes, 8th graders in particular will not filter their thoughts for you! She was sweet. And hooray for healing hearts. :)

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  3. Major progress, for sure.

    I am thinking you may have had a big impact on your social studies student when you had the facts-of-life talk with her ("Sometimes you just don't get what you want"). I mean, for her to see you healing and OK, maybe you just infused her with a little bit of resilience that she may need to call on some day.

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    1. Thank you, it feels like major progress! And yeah, I think it's so important to admit to kids that you are human, that you've made mistakes, that shit didn't work out for you -- because that is LIFE. Portraying things like it's all going to turn out rosy and easy is a surefire way to set kids up for quite the fall.

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  4. Lovely post, Jess. I felt that you are at peace and you are grateful . A lot of people talk about gratitude being overrated but for me, it is the strength that tells me what I have is good for me. It was planned for me. It brings me acceptance.
    Here after a long time and I always feel like i know you. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Parul! Gratitude is totally worthwhile. It's lovely to acknowledge those moments where you can be like, "ok, the lot I have is pretty darn good in its own way, actually!" Hugs right back at you!

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  5. OMG puke and overflowing toilets...I would probably have puked as well! Glad you at least got some hugs (and hopefully no contagious illnesses along with them). Good for you for being a team player but I can see why your peaceful house was a relief.

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    1. Yes! SO MANY BODILY FLUIDS/FUNCTIONS... I am unused to that much spillage. :) I am healthy thank goodness, and am crazy enough to consider doing this again, but yes. Definitely a relief to have a little quiet time!

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  6. Wow, I'm impressed by the place you've reached. It's not an easy place to get to, even after a week of 13-14 year olds!

    On a very different note, as someone who still fondly remembers her own class DC trip, thank you for making it possible for those kids!

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    1. Thank you! It feels like a milestone, for sure. And it felt so good to help kids get to go, because it IS so memorable, and such a great thing to be included in regardless of financial situation. I wish I could cover them all, but I'll do what I can!

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  7. Somehow it's easier to take "what about adoption?" from a kid than an adult, right? ;) As Northern Star said, they are so very frank and yet so innocent. Glad you survived Washington!!

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  8. You earned ten Purple Heart Medals on that trip, as far as I'm concerned! It takes a strong person with a big heart to voluntarily spend three days with young teens on a trip. Bravo, Amazing Woman. Bravo.

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