Saturday, January 27, 2018

Quite Possibly the Most Embarrassing Day of My Life

2018 was NOT supposed to be a year of me leaving school in a flurry of activity, accompanied by the school nurse, curled up in a wheelchair, getting driven home by friends and coworkers, some question as to whether or not I should go to Urgent Care or the ER. That was supposed to end with the demise of 2017. But, I guess you don't always get what you want.

I was having a completely normal, perfectly fine day on Friday up until about 8th period (Bryce always complains when I talk in terms of class periods, that's from 12:56-1:36 if you want to know). I ate leftovers from a couple days ago (gluten free shells baked with gruyere sauce and broccoli) 5th period (around 11), and then the rest of my lunch 7th (an Icelandic strawberry yogurt followed by a Sumo orange around 12:30). It was a normal day.

Except after eating my second part of my lunch, I felt...unsettled.

I walked down to the English class I push into, and as I walked my stomach got gurglier and gurglier.

I settled in for the beginning of class, but then got pulled out into the hall because a meeting 9th period was cancelled, and so I took that opportunity to run to the bathroom.

I felt terrible. I was all crampy and gurgly, but I did what I came to do and headed back to class.

Unfortunately the pain started to get worse, and I left again for a different bathroom since I suspected I might be in there a while. My lower back hurt. My gurgling was running up and down my entire torso like a freaking xylophone being played. And I felt a bit bleary.

I started freaking out that I'd somehow gotten into gluten, because I was having the sharp pains in my upper abdomen that I associate with that, and I was real bloated and feeling like I was going to have some quality time in a very public restroom (for some reason it was a hot place to be during this time, and while I believe you should go when you need to go and that's what toilets are for, I still don't enjoy sick-crapping at work and try to "courtesy flush" often). I realized I was definitely sick.

I managed to get my stuff from the English room, offer a quick apology for my absence, and find my TA to let her know to run homeroom since I was going to need to go BACK to the bathroom, for sure. I looked a mess. My hair was getting big and fluffy, and my eyes were all glassy, and I had that "I think I could cry at any moment" tone in my voice. So she covered homeroom and I went BACK to the bathroom. At this point I'd been vacillating between the student bathroom and the faculty bathroom for a half hour, thinking I could return to class and then realizing partway down the hall that nope, that wasn't going to happen. I started feeling like I couldn't stand upright without excruciating pain. I cried this time, and sweat through my shirt.

Eventually I went to my room as someone saw me and said, "um, I think you should go home." I still wasn't sure (and frankly even now I'm not sure) if it was a celiac thing or a stomach bug. I made my way to my classroom, which seemed like it was about 5 miles away, and before I got to my door two of my coworker friends saw me and were like, "um, she looks fucked up" and ran over, and I just lost it. You know when you feel so sick and in pain that all you can do is cry? I hit that point.

This is where I scared the bejeezus out of all my students, as I came in and sat down and they made them all relocate to the Social Studies teacher's room for 9th period, and I was basically crying and clutching my stomach and hunched completely over feeling like aliens with talons were ripping apart my insides. Someone went to get the nurse. Someone said maybe we should get an ambulance. Someone else looked up the creamer which was the only unusual thing I ate that day to see if it was secretly glutenous, but it wasn't.

And here is where it turned completely and utterly into a shitshow of epically embarrassing proportions. I don't know why these things happen to me, but they do, and all I can do is laugh about it. Inappropriately.

My stomach started seizing again and the pain was incredible and I knew I definitely had to go to the bathroom, yet AGAIN. The nurse insisted on wheeling me there so I didn't pass out or something (a very real possibility at the time) but what I didn't realize was that I BECAME THE PIED PIPER OF POOP. People followed like an entourage, and we picked up concerned coworker friends as we turned the corner to the student bathroom, and they had teachers shut their doors (so I guess I was the reason for a very localized hold-in-place), and I basically blew ass with the school nurse in the stall next to me and a crowd of concerned people RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOORWAY. Did you notice I said "doorway" and not "door?" Because that's right, STUDENT BATHROOMS HAVE NO DOORS. Just stalls with doors, which offer ZERO acoustic dampening at all.

I guess it was encouraging that I just had diarrhea instead of vomiting, which could mean something ruptured, but then the word "diarrhea" was repeated about a zillion times while I was leaning against the wall, sweating and wishing I could just maybe die or be transported into another dimension at this point.

"Could we maybe say 'diarrhea' less right now?" I feebly joked.

They grabbed all my stuff and wonderful people drove me home but not before a procession through the halls (thankfully not during passing time, unlike my fall in the spring where I did the wheelchair tour the first time), and they stayed until Bryce could get there, and I could have the blissful amenities of my own bathroom with a sound-dampening fan and a candle.

Not less than 25 people, including both my administrators, witnessed this at one point or another.

The activities of my ass were well documented and discussed.

I don't know how I'm going to do Monday, but so far I have responded to texts of concern (and also concerning but inaccurate accounts that I collapsed) with appreciation and a fair number of smiling poop emojis. I also emailed all my parents later in the evening, since I was fairly sure they might mention their teacher getting carted out of school and all the talk of ambulances and whatnot. (No poop emojis there, I do have SOME sense of propriety.)

Why, oh why, must my body just constantly seek to betray and humiliate me? Can it save this shit for the WEEKEND sometime?

I'm thinking it's a bug, because I am still struggling although not in constant pain anymore, and I am very tired. It's possible I was dehydrated. It's possible my intestinal tract is inflamed for reasons other than celiac. What's concerning me is that this is the second time in a month that I have felt like I was glutened but I did not actually eat anything with gluten in it. A few weeks ago I got sick like this at home, after eating White Chicken Chili that I made MYSELF, and I blamed a rotisserie chicken (that I asked about later and was assured it didn't have flour in the bag. Same thing that time -- low back pain followed by stabby/shooty upper abdominal pain and a hot-knife feeling in my low belly, diarrhea, and cramping/pains so bad I was writhing on the floor, unable to be upright or straightened out. In both instances pressing on my belly helped with the pain.

I sincerely hope I'm not dealing with some new GI issue here, and I'll be going to the doctor this next week. I hope it's just a real nasty bug, because unlike Chicken Chili night I am WIPED today too, so it's lasting more than a few hours. I didn't wake up in the morning and feel awesome. I slept the majority of the day.

I could go my whole life though without having such a public display of bodily functions, and detailed discussion of just how I was so terribly sick. Jeezum. Wish me luck on Monday...

21 comments:

  1. The procession to the bathroom had my whole being screaming for you. It’s lovely that people care so much, but holy moley!!! That’s straight out of the nightmare book.

    The only way to survive Monday is with confronting all of this head on and I suggest a scripted stand-up comedy routine filled with poop jokes and references to Alien centering I’m having a crowd witness you emptying your bowels. If Bryce is anything like Grey, he will have plenty of ideas for material.

    And this will also serve you well with the upcoming doctor’s appointment. Because they really need to re-evaluate what’s happening with your digestive tract and patients armed with a stand-up routine, complete with the above story. If they don’t take you extremely seriously, then they need to have their medical license revoked.

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    1. Right? All I could think was that at least I am not a shy person! Still horrifying. Ha, I will totally use this tomorrow, as I was out Monday (still not feeling great).

      So, the doctor initially said food poisoning, but when White Chicken Chili incident was brought up, it went into possible gallstones. So I'm to have an ultrasound tomorrow to see if there are stones whinging about in my innards. I looked up the symptoms for that though and it didn't seem to fit. If the ultrasound is fruitless, then upper endoscopy. They did a bunch of bloodwork, too. Sigh.

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  2. I confess to having mixed emotions about this post. On one hand, I can FEEL your discomfort, both the physical and the emotional. And both are AWFUL.

    On the other hand, you are the funniest storyteller! And amid all that discomfort is a tale so amusingly told (if you can disconnect from all that discomfort!).

    I hope it ends up to be finite and finished, something like an expired yougurt or something.

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    1. Oh, it was SO awful! But also kind of funny, so I'm glad that came through too. :) I hope it's finite and finished, but it looks like further testing is on the docket for me. :( If only it could be an expired yogurt!

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  3. Oh no this sounds awful! I would definitely go to the dr to make sure you don’t have a new allergy. I agree that some scripted joke for tomorrow would be super helpful.

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, I did go to the doctor and they are doing bloodwork and abdominal ultrasound and if that fails to uncover a culprit then I get the lovely scope-down-the-throat. Woooooo. We'll see how tomorrow goes, I didn't go in today...just delaying the inevitable!

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  4. Oh, Jess, Rob and I are both thinking of you. Get yourself checked out, Dear. This shouldn’t be happening. You’ve had more than enough shit to deal with, in every sense of the word. Take care of yourself. We love you.

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    1. Thanks so much! It will all be fine, I'm sure. So annoyed by continued stomach issues. For this I should at least be skinnier! :)

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  5. Don't people know that when we're in misery, we generally want privacy? Argh! It's nice to be able to laugh at it later, as you have (what else can you do?), but really, people should think about how they would want to be treated in this situation.

    I do hope it's not another allergy. It must be hard enough dealing with a gluten one. Sending gentle hugs.

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    1. You would think so, but I think they were also genuinely concerned I might pass out. I do think though that I would make a big enough noise that just the nurse could wait outside the actual bathroom and then rush in should something happen, right? :) It came from a place of caring, but man, I'd be happy to never do that again. I hope it's something easily fixable. And that I can still eat cheese.

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  6. Oooof, this sounds awful! Glad that people care so much but that procession to the bathroom sounds like something straight out of a nightmare. Hoping that it's "just" a stomach bug (no such thing as 'just' when it comes to stomach bugs, but like you say, preferable to a new issue) and that you're feeling better soon.

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    1. Right? TOTAL nightmare scenario! So, they don't think it's a bug because of the other episode a few weeks ago. :( Testing hopefully will reveal something easily fixable!

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  7. oh gosh, that sounds really embarrassing alright! There's nothing worse than having to deal with diarrhea in a public toilet with other people nearby! I get issues from lactose myself. I wonder was it hidden gluten or a bug.

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    1. Oh, it was, it so was! I was hoping it was hidden gluten. Maybe there's enough hidden gluten in tiny amounts building up that it's creating these episodes. Sadness. Public diarrhea is the worst! I'd rather throw up in public, frankly!

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  8. Oh my G-d, you poor thing. THIS is the difference between teachers and many other professions. It is so hard to be sick at work when you teach because everyone knows. Though is it wrong that I cracked up at "the pied piper of poop?"

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    1. YES! Everyone knows, there is absolutely no privacy in a school. I am fortunate that I am basically never truly by myself (always a TA or a co-teacher), so I can duck out if needed, but to be missing for so long? Argh. Apparently students were all abuzz with some sort of emergency, thankfully they didn't know it was kaka related. Oh, I'm thrilled you cracked up at "the pied piper of poop!" It can't all be gloom and doom, right?

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  9. I will never forget the time I got rushed to the ER as a child for debilitating stomach pain that had me sweating, puking, and down right miserable only to have scans done and find out I was basically suffering from world's worst case of constipation. A huge spectacle and my mom had called almost everyone she knew, then had to give the update that I just needed an enema and medication to poop...I hate poop.

    I hope you are feeling better and maybe even got a little giggle out of my poop story. :)

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    1. Thank you for your poop story! That sounds terrible. Constipation is no joke. How embarrassing that must have been! I am feeling better and plan to go to school tomorrow, although I'll need to leave to get my tummy ultrasound. Which is the technical term... :)

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  10. OMG, you poor thing... the pain & discomfort would have been bad enough, nevermind half the school knowing about it and following you to the bathroom.

    This reminds me of the time I got sick & threw up in the bathroom on my second day on the job as a summer student (between first and second year university)... I had my period, & horrible cramps. Never thrown up during my period before that, but I guess there's always a first time...! It was at the local fire station (an all-male environment, aside from one other female summer student). I got a lot of jokes about where I must have been on my lunch hour (i.e., they all thought I'd been at the bar drinking). Horribly embarrassing. The guy driving me home (whom I'd known slightly at school -- he was two years ahead of me) made a crack about it & I confessed to him that I had my period, He turned beet red, & nobody said anything about it again. ;)

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  11. And I thought my diarrhea story was bad. Well, bad experience (but good story). Well, bad story told well.

    Goodness. Gracious.

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  12. Hey Jess! I’m waaaaay begins on blogs so just catching up (or trying to) and Oh, Man, I totally had to stop to comment here. There are just no words for how horrifying that must have been...just Why You?!? Why poor you, at work?!?! I wanted to laugh at your retelling but also cry because that’s something you don’t wish on your worst enemy! The whole thing, everyone noticing you, no freaking doors in the bathroom, well-meaning people but couldn’t they have just given you a minute and come back to check on you?!? Thy had to WAIT THERE? Ohhhhh my. Gah, I am sorry a million times over that you had to go through that. Geeze Louise. Enough already, universe. Many, many hugs.

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