It's over, officially over and the enormity and finality of our decision has me completely wrecked.
Bryce made the call to the adoption agency today saying that we were ending our journey, and I am forever grateful that he held the strength to make the first call (I say first call, because I want to call myself and thank our family advocate and get a little closure there, but I need a little space from today first).
I got the text that it was done while I was getting a haircut, and so my reaction to it didn't start until I walked to my car, to my beautiful Subaru Outback that Bryce bought me for Christmas (!) a year and a half ago so we'd have a safe and reliable car for our FutureBaby. The sadness started leaking out of my face and my breathing wasn't quite sobby but I could feel that my ability to hold myself together was going to be fleeting.
I got home, fed the cats, and walked up the stairs to the little room that's been closed up for a month or so.
I stood next to the crib and watched as my cat jumped nimbly inside, then sat on the soft carpeted floor and stared at all the HOPE that was contained in those 90 square feet, at all the LOVE and SUPPORT that filled it with everything we needed for the baby that didn't come to us before we lost the ability to keep pushing ourselves through uncertainty and loss for any more years, months, or weeks. The butt paste that expires in June that I bought in a fit of hope last year. The board books with personalized name plates that have messages to our Mystery Baby. The handmade blankets and hats and baby cocoons.
And I cracked into a million pieces of shattered dreams and felt the loss come howling out of me, sobbing great heaving clouds of grief into the space that held so much promise. I cried a deep animal cry, nearly identical to the one that came out of me when I found out that bed rest didn't create a miracle and my HCG numbers had plummeted from the thousands to 200 when we lost the only baby that was briefly growing in the right place.
I sat there, soaking in my grief.
And then I started picking up board books and reading them. After a few that made me very, very sad, I picked up this one:
In a moment of abject sadness, this book brought me hope. Hope of a different kind. The text goes like this (by Smriti Prasadam-Halls):
I love you most, I love you best,
Much, much more than all the rest.
I love you tall, I love you high,
Way up in the sunny sky.
I love you far, I love you wide,
From over here... ... to the other side.
I love you low, I love you deep,
Down where the octopuses sleep.
I love you huge, I love you vast,
For the fun to come and the fun that's passed.
I love you big, I love you tough,
When the path is smooth and when it's rough.
I love you strong, I love you small,
Together we have it all.
I love you wild, I love you loud,
I shout it out and I feel proud.
I love you soft, I love you still,
And you know I always will...
I love you close, I love you tight,
When you're wrong ...and when you're right.
I love you night, I love you day,
In every moment, come what may.
Because I love you with my whole heart,
From where you end...to where you start.
All I could think was, THIS BOOK IS ABOUT US. It was meant for our Mystery Baby, who will remain a mystery forever and who has left indelible scars on my heart, but right now it tells the story of our love. It's a book for us, in this terrible moment, celebrating what we have in each other.
When Bryce came home and found me in the nursery, we sat and were sad together and talked about the phone call and how momentous it is to be done, to have this part of our lives come to an end and not the way we'd planned. I gave him the book to read. We hugged and cried and felt all the many feelings -- the sadness, the difficulty of making a decision, the empowerment of saying ENOUGH and having hope for what is still to come, different as it may be than how we saw our future together.
Today is a hard, hard day. It's a chrysalis sort of day, full of goo and being completely deconstructed so we can emerge something new and beautiful and different than before.
Want to read some #Microblog Mondays? Not more, because this surely doesn't count but it's what I've got today? Go here and enjoy!