This is the year...the countdown has begun.
This May, I turn forty.
And this past weekend, it suckerpunched me in my pleasantly laugh-lined face.
There are things you think will be in place by the time you're forty, you know? And so many of them are. I am a lucky lucky lady to have an amazing husband and a job I love and feel meant to do. We just have that pesky baby-shaped hole to contend with.
And maybe that hole won't exist in May, but the maybe made me very sad over the weekend.
We were sitting at dinner, planning out what we might or might not do for my fortieth birthday (party? go away? hide?) and then it occurred to us that whatever is planned, needs to have a cancellation policy...just in case.
This Just In Case would be wonderful, and I would gladly forgo birthday celebration in favor of having Mystery Baby revealed and in our arms, but the overwhelming uncertainty of it all put me in a funk that lasted all weekend long and left me feeling a bit hollow.
I'm not a liar when I say that not getting chosen by that profile call wasn't devastating and that it just wasn't our baby then...but the disappointment is having a bit of a lasting effect on me. It took five months to get that call...what if it takes five more to get a second one? What if I face another birthday (and a BIG one at that) and another Mother's Day (which happens the weekend right after my birthday, EVERY SINGLE YEAR) in this ether of uncertainty and waiting?
There's not much use in mulling over it too much, but all the uncertainty and feeling makes me think:
Here it is, that milestone that had Meg Ryan in tears in When Harry Met Sally: "And I'm going to be FORTY! SOMEDAAAAAAYYYYYY!" and my someday is marching fast on the horizon..."It's just sitting there, like a big dead end!"
Somehow forty without our family resolved feels like a slap in the face even though I've known for a year that forty doesn't mean much for my reproductive capabilities. I already know my biological clock is broken and can't be repaired.
It's a dark splotch on my otherwise sunny disposition. Hopefully as it gets closer I can be more at peace with what forty is and feels like, for me.
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Oh Jess. :( Reaching these milestones is hard enough for those who have what they desire most. Plan a way to celebrate, but allow yourself this time to grieve too. And I will be thinking of you and Bryce as you waiting for that phone call.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs, lady.
Thanks so much... I waffle between crisis and "finally, forty." It will be a fun time at some point, but definitely I'll have that grieving time built in. Thanks for the support and the hugs!
DeleteArbitrary points like turning 40 can play havoc with our emotions, as I said in my "setting goals" post. I understand that, and I'm sorry you're feeling this right now.
ReplyDeleteMaybe though, regardless of what has or hasn't happened by May, you can focus on what you have achieved, what you now know, what an amazing person you've become or will have become by the time you are 40. And choose to celebrate that. (You have a few more months to practise!)
Make plans for something fun - and if you have to cancel, then you have to cancel. But if you don't have to cancel, you can still celebrate.
It is so arbitrary, right? I didn't feel this sad about 35, or 39, and I probably won't about 41. Logically I know, but man it smarts. Thanks for your wisdom and your support...I'm definitely going to try my best to get something wicked fun in there!
DeleteI hope what you hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your hope and support!
DeleteI think any time there is uncertainty, no matter what's it's about, makes everything else in life no matter how big or small that much more insurmountable. I know for me sometimes even having resolve doesn't completely help, and the only true thing that heals is time. Time has a funny way of making things feel better, even if they aren't. Hopefully as time goes on and you inch closer to your birthday month you feel some of the peace that time naturally brings. In the meantime, so many prayers for you friend!
ReplyDeleteTrue. So true, the uncertainty is what magnifies everything. Thank you for your prayers for peace! :)
DeleteI think you should plan something special for yourself in the coming weeks. Maybe a big dinner with friends, or an intimate dinner at a fancy restaurant that takes reservations months in advance (cause it's no big deal to cancel either), a trip to Vegas with girlfriends? You deserve a lot of love and support and it's not about what you don't have, it's what you do have.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea... I am resistant to celebrating a milestone early, but doing it after may be challenging what with the whole Mother's Day weekend right after. And you are so right to remind me that it's what I do have, which is far and away more than what I don't. Thanks!
DeleteWell, I was dragged kicking and screaming into 40. So I'm not the best person to give advice. But know that just as there are raindates for big events, you can make a raindate for your 40th birthday. Not the same thing, but something to look forward to nonetheless if life isn't where you need it to be.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the kicking and screaming! I feel like I'm not ready and yet once it's over it's just an age like any other. A raindate is a great idea in the event of some sort of cancellation, even for a beauteous reason. Great idea!
DeleteI love what Mali said above...while not having FutureBaby in your arms just yet is a gaping hole in your life, you have so many other good things going on. Plan a celebration to celebrate the fact that you are going to be 40 and awesome! But I'll keep my fingers crossed that you are going to have to cancel it!
ReplyDeleteTHank you so much! I hope we need a babysitter or a pack-n-play corner... A girl can dream. I am super grateful for all the other pieces that are snapped into place at this point in my life, so much to celebrate.
DeleteAmen sister. 40 without our baby in our arms was a tough one for me too. Thanks to my fellow Jersey girls I was forced to have a party, which was fun, but it was still hard. Left to my own devices I would have stayed under the covers. There is so much YOU to celebrate! You have accomplished so much in these years, and a lot can happen between now and May! fingers crossed for the best birthday present ever! and the best decade yet to be as well. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! May our forties be an amazing time to be moms, and the party keep us from the dark hole of sadness. A quick trip I can do, but then time to climb on out again and celebrate all that is, not the lack of what's still to be. Thanks for your love, lady!
DeleteBirthdays can be tough. Forty is less than two years away for me and I've already had it cross my mind...with what I hope to have in my life and accepting it may not happen by that time. I do my best to shake it away and focus on the good in my life and take a nice deep breath. I told my husband that I want to do something special on that birthday. I'm not sure what, but I want to be positive and recognize the milestone. My thirtieth birthday sucked, not for trying, but scrappy change of plans at the last minute. However, I didn't mind turning thirty. I told myself I wasn't in my thirties until I turned thirty-one. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are much closer to this big birthday, so I can see how it can bring up lots of feelings. I agree with many here. Yes, celebrate you! Celebrate the wonderful, fantastic, heartfelt person that you are. Surround yourself with love and let the day be what it will be with no expectations. Hugs!
Uncertainty is hard and uncertainty coupled with a milestone sort of birthday really is tough. I'm sorry it's hitting this way for you. Wish there was something more to say, but sending hopes for some peace as it gets closer and a hug for these days of waiting.
ReplyDelete