It's amazing how time moves so quickly.
It was only a few weeks ago that the hopes of our first DS cycle were shattered, and I was left puddled on the floor. Then it seemed so far away until our next try. Something that always makes me mad about the journeys of the infertile--reproductively "normal" people get to try every single month. For me, for all IVFers, there is so much waiting and testing and waiting and drugs to cycle through before new attempts can be made.
But, here we are.
Tomorrow I go in for another hysteroscopy, my fourth, to check me out for those pesky polyps before this lovely fancy protocol gets off and running. Really wondering why I can seem to grow polyps no problem but a baby is so hard, but it makes sense to check out my innards before we use our last two frozen blasts. My polyps are shifty little buggers. They don't show up on saline sonohysterograms. They don't show up on HSGs. Nope, only in the OR do they show their nasty, blood-tipped faces.
Is it possible they could do my surgery and find nothing? Yes. I actually hope yes. All is not lost, because they're doing the scratch biopsy while in there to get my lining all injured and then overcompensating with super lushness. But it would be nice to have no intruders growing in my baby landing pad.
I've been super stressed trying to get everything set for my absence. The surgery is tomorrow, and it's no incisions, all through my lovely super dilated cervix (thank you, general anesthesia). So originally, I only took a half day on Friday. BUT, enough people convinced me that with my original time of 1:30, maybe I should give myself the whole day the next day to get over the anesthesia. And the cramping I tend to get after these lovely procedures. Last time I got a blissful dose of demerol in the recovery room, because I was in so much pain. It kind of concerns me that these procedures are always so painful...what's going on in there?
I'm glad, really glad, that I took the whole day on Friday because today I got my arrival time and surgical time...and it shifted. My hysteroscopy is now at 3:30, not 1:30. Arrival time is 12:00, which means leaving for Buffalo by 10:40 or so. I won't be out of surgery until at least 4:30, so the next day off is probably for the best.
Two days off is kind of scary so early in the year, but I have my plans all set, my materials all accounted for, and I am finally able to let it go and just do this thing. I felt queasy about it last week, but now, I'm good.
I have a plan for the whole not-eating-or-drinking-after-midnight thing, now that my surgery is at 3:30 and I will be eating for the first time that day at, oh, 5:00 probably. I ate my face off at dinner today. The directions said "eat soft foods, like macaroni and cheese or pureed vegetables." What self-respecting un-dentured adult eats pureed vegetables? I never had instructions like this before, so I threw caution to the wind this time. I ate a BLT, cajun corn, and sweet potato fries. I'll have a snack at around 11:30. I'll drink a ton of water to try to plump myself up, because I shudder to think of the IV making its way into my dessicated veins tomorrow afternoon after not being hydrated. I am also staying up late, so that I can sleep late, and hopefully be unconscious for most of the water-and-food-free hours. I am a cranky girl when I'm hungry. "Wow, you're hungry" is my husband's incredibly polite code for "Get some food in this girl, STAT! Major bitch alert!" I can admit it. It's ok.
I also feel good about my ticker this time. Last time I was terrified, sure I'd somehow arrest on the table. Not sure why, because I am a pretty healthy, if a bit chubby, lady. But this time I've been using my gym membership from that Groupon and going to do the elliptical for 50 minutes 2-3 times per week, getting a good sweat on and noticing that my heart rate is getting better. Also doing yoga/pilates at least once a week. I've lost a few pounds, nothing earth-shattering, but it's my ticker I'm most happy about.
After the hysteroscopy, I just wait for my period to come and then we get back on this horse and ride it hard. Baseline comes quick, then Femara on day 3. Before I know it, I'll be on Follistim. And then... transfer. Not gonna lie, putting embryos back in me makes me incredibly anxious. I have lost a lot of faith in my body's ability to not death ray anything that comes within. Maybe I can convince them to up my valium dose, or sedate me entirely.
However, I am slowly building up my hope. After tomorrow, I can really feel like I'm moving towards a hopefully different outcome, and that this can all be over soon. I am so ready to move on to morning sickness and bloat for a purpose and boobs that hurt not because of shots but because of a tiny being that will need them to be functional food providers. I am ready to have the next time I'm in an OR be only the possibility of a C-section, and maybe not at all. I am ready to move on to things that have happy endings. And it all starts tomorrow.