Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

So Much for Faint Lines

Well, it would appear the digital stick was right.

It's definitely a no.

I have to say, peeing on a stick Sunday took a little of the sting out of today, but not a lot. I was still hoping that this time would be different. I am still feeling incredibly rejected and like a freak. Why won't babies stick to me? What the hell?

BUT, they have a crazy plan in the works. I think they called it a Conversion Cycle? Anyone heard of this? It was "borrowed" from another fancypants clinic that collaborates with mine.

Basically, you go on the Pill once a period comes (I am actively willing it to come any second now... The power of Period compels you! Now that I know you suck, the least you could do is bleed when I want you to!). Then, you start a stim cycle. YUP, A STIM CYCLE. Because stim cycles produce better, plusher linings. So there will be follistim in my near future... yay. Then they trigger you and you do a transfer according to a normal calendar, but with your body having done a lot of the prep in a quasi-natural way. They've had some great success with it with implantation failure people apparently (why I'm just hearing about it now is interesting though).

So more shots. More driving an hour and fifteen minutes each way, more missed school, more feeling fat and fluffy, more wear and tear and my poor body. Not a whole lot of downtime to go nuts and get some of this PIO flub off me, but there was a groupon for the gym I used to belong to for a 2-month membership. Maybe it's kismet. Maybe I can make this work. I just keep thinking, my poor body.

Baby, you are so loved and I wish you would just figure out how to get to us. We are working so hard to bring you home, I just wish I knew the secret. It's not lack of love, dedication, or sacrifice. That's for damn sure.

On to the next adventure.

14 comments:

  1. Oh fuck. Damn it all. I'm so sorry, Jess. I wish there were more helpful things to say. It does sound like you are in good hands, and that they're going to try a solid plan for implantation. I empathize with your words to your body. You do all you can to take care of it, sweet woman, you really do. We are resilient creatures...your body is strong. I'm so glad not too much more time will pass before next try. I feel your fatigue and hug you, hard. I've been thinking about you all day and am just so deeply sorry this part of your story is going on and on. I'll be with you here for all of the parts. Much love to you! XO

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    1. Thank you so, so, so much, friend. You have just the right words. Fatigue is perfect. I just want to know there will be a day where I am not in this horrible limbo, where my life is perpetually on pause, where it seems to be that I am the target of a cosmic joke. I have to believe it's coming, but man, I wish it was a little more timely. This must be one very special soul headed our way.

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  2. I am so sorry, Jess. I hoped with all my might that this was just the dud of a test not giving you the answer that was really there. I'm so sorry that you are still suck on this sucky journey, but it sounds like they have a "new" trick to try. I so, so, so hope it brings you your sticky baby. {{Hugs}}

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    1. Thank you so much -- I am having a rougher time than usual with this. I so hope the "new" trick is really the end... I feel a little like it's all hocus pocus at this point. Thanks for the hugs, lady!

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  3. Oh Jess, I'm so very, very sorry. What a shit outcome. I'm glad you have a plan, and I'm glad it's tailored to you and your body's needs. I blue is the magic combination that gives you that perfect babe you've been waiting so patiently for. Your body and your heart deserve a better outcome. Sending you so many hugs.

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    1. Thanks--I agree, it is a shit outcome. The plan served me well on Wednesday but Thursday I fell spectacularly apart, today I'm somewhere in between. I am still hopeful for the new plan, but also feel a little like there's always a new plan and somehow I manage to foil it. Thank you so much for all the hugs, I appreciate them! I really hate still being on this merry-go-round.

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  4. Aw, crap. With the school year starting I've been away from blog-land for a little while, but have been thinking about you and your cycle. I was soooo hoping I would come back to different news:( I'm really sorry to hear this. "Sorry" hardly feels like enough...but I don't know what else to say. This sucks.

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    1. "This sucks" is perfect! I have a lot of choice words for how this turned out. I hope your school year is off to a great start and you're feeling ok with all the craziness of September! I so appreciate your continued support. I was hoping for more of a congratulory tone to this, too. Oh well. :(

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  5. So sorry to hear this news. I just had a BFN after transfering an euploid embryo, I echo the frustration of "seriously, what IS it going to take?"

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    1. Thank you. I am so sorry for your BFN, too. It just seems that there is a crap festival going on. I echo your echo of frustration! :) Thank you for stopping in at this sad time... my thoughts are with you, too.

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  6. I am so sorry. That just really sucks.

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    1. Thank you! It does. It really does just suck.

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  7. Thinking of you Jess and crossing my fingers (and toes, cause they are really abnormally long) that this next way works for you. I think of you every time I sing.."I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening underneath the moon..." :) Yes, I'm doing the motions as I type. I wish I could make this easier for you somehow. Sending virtual hugs, baby wishes and love to you and B!

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    1. Thank you, Jen... I really appreciate your thoughts. Are your toes as abnormally long as my last three are short and stubby? Just wondering... :) Your skiddamarinking made me cry just a little. I appreciate it so much.

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