Today I was spending quality time with my Special Class English curriculum and diligently filing my units into binders using an inordinate amount of page protectors and realizing that I vastly underestimated how many papers make up my literature, parts of speech, and figurative language units. SO MUCH PAPER. To make this not entirely mind-numbing, I had some music going on our engineer-wired music system that pipes our music library, Pandora, radio, and Google Music throughout our house.
I thought it was kind of hilarious that my 80's Pop station played the following songs in order:
Sweet Dreams (are made of these) by the Eurythmics
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
Under Pressure by Queen
Those three songs pretty much sum up my mindset right now.
Overall, I am feeling pretty positive about our upcoming cycle, now that things seem to be back on schedule (whatever that means anymore). I keep having daydreams about what it would be like to hold my belly full of baby, instead of my belly full of Chipotle; of holding that baby in my arms with Bryce holding both of us; of having an actual tiny human in our little room upstairs that is begging to be used. I feel like the closer we get to go time the more I can see these things again. I can dream it without feeling stupid and duped. The dreams are sweet.
I have always considered "Don't Stop Believin'" to be my infertility anthem. It was a favorite on my playlists, when I had such things for waiting periods and when cycles went wonky. Other songs became sad after being featured on such hopeful playlists that resulted in nothing but tragedy--I still have a hard time with "What a Wonderful World/Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, and "I Believe in Miracles" by Hot Chocolate just about sent me into a nervous breakdown a year or so ago. But "Don't Stop Believin'"-- always gold. Always makes me feel that anything is possible, that there's hope out there for us. Even though technically it's all about a couple from New Jersey. Details. It has a habit of cropping up on the radio or Pandora or whatever when I really need it. Because I kind of need someone to remind us to not stop believing that this will happen for us every once in a while, and to bolster me up when I start feeling that way again but am a bit wavery.
And yet, despite all this positivity, I still feel "Under Pressure." I want to make sure that I'm doing the right things, and I keep messing up. Sunday night we were reading on the couch after a delicious grilled dinner and a thoroughly enjoyable evening, and I realized it was 10:30. OH MY GOD, I FORGOT MY LUPRON SHOT. I rushed and jabbed the measly 10 units that wreak such havoc on my system and my mood, and tried not to freak out. I mean, at least I remembered at all, right? But really, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? I have never nearly forgotten a dose before. Screwed up doses, sure, but not forgotten. Wait, that's not right. I just had a flashback of having to drive back home after getting within a mile of my school and realizing I forgot my lupron shot, a year ago and when they were in the morning. So it's not really that crazy, but combined with the nearly forgetting my estrogen pill yesterday and just in general the dizzying array of things I am putting in my body... I feel the pressure and I am doing a miserable job with keeping up with things. But, who wouldn't:
- 400 IU Vitamin E
- Prenatal including 2000 IU Vitamin D
- 2 fish oil gels
- estrogen, 1 pill morning and night (until tomorrow when it gets ramped to 2 pills)
- lupron between 6-9 pm (I am on DAY 29 of this...only 6 more days to go, lord help me and everyone around me...)
- baby aspirin with a full glass of water sometime in the middle of all this
It's not a ton of shots, but it's a lot of pills and I can't seem to remember everything anymore. I am dreading the start of PIO. I get to lose the lupron at that point, but I have never hated anything like I hate the PIO. But, it's necessary for the making of the FutureBaby, so in my ass it goes.
I also feel under pressure to keep up my positive thinking and pretending like this cycle is going to be THE cycle. Hard to do after 9 no-gos. My "new" strategy: I am talking like this is actually happening. I have Bryce joining in on the "let's trick the Universe with reverse psychology" tactic (I assume the Universe doesn't read this blog...). We both bounce off each other with statements like, "Oh no, if we got pregnant this time, what would we do? That would be CRAZY. So overwhelming. We just wouldn't know how to deal with that!" And hope that whatever is out there is like, "Hmmm, they fear this pregnancy thing, so we shall give it to them!" (I realize how completely insane this logic is.) We also talk as though a baby is actually coming to this house, and pregnancy is inevitable, because even though there is a hint of truth in that "what would we do with good news?" statement, we're just going to go with THIS IS HAPPENING. Because why not? It's hard to keep it up sometimes, and it feels a little silly, but we're trying.
I feel under pressure to make my body super healthy, and I've been working out via yoga, pilates, yoga/pilates blend, walking, and hiking a lot, with the results being somewhat less lumpier midsection, pants that fit better, apparently Achilles Tendonitis, and added pounds on the scale. I need to get rid of this pressure. I need to accept that this is where I am and love it. Harder done than said. The yoga DVD I did yesterday said that it's super important to accept your body as it is and do things to improve its functionality, but that self-acceptance is at the core of yoga. Ok, I will try. I will try to duck out from under the pressure I put on myself (for pretty much all of the above) and accept that I cannot fight the meds that add the pounds and this battle is best for a better day. I can keep going for healthy, but I can't be mad at my body for being flubby. That's kind of where it is and where it will be for the moment.
Apparently those songs have brought up a lot of emotions and concerns! So is Pandora trying to tell me something? Or was it just coincidence that caused me to reflect (never a bad thing), considering that songs that followed included "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and "Sunglasses at Night?"
Maybe, maybe not. Now it's playing "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake, another song that always makes me think of our infertility journey. I mean seriously, go look up the lyrics. It's ridiculous. Everything but "on my own" makes sense. Crazy,creepy sense of humor, Pandora. Way to get into my brain, intentional or not.