Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, September 30, 2013

What Else Can I Do?

Well, I wish I had good news on this fine Beta Day. The weather was gorgeous, I had a half day sick day so I could receive the news in private and react without students nearby, and I was feeling really positive.

Too bad my uterus wasn't full of positive. It's empty. Negative. Nothing doing.

A beautiful hatching blast and it's schmutzy companion did not care to stay.

This makes 20, TWENTY embryos that have come and gone.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS???

How am I supposed to reconcile my newly polyp-free, sticky'd up uterus, my supposed wonder donor eggs that made EVERYONE ELSE pregnant on the FIRST FREAKING TRY, my new and aggressive protocol that left me psychotic from the huge doses of Medrol and sore and black and blue from my hips to my thighs from the double PIO, with this NOTHINGNESS? What else could I have done? Am I that unlucky? Is there something awful hiding, undiscovered, that is the reason why I have to experience THIS MUCH PAIN?

I don't understand it. I thought for sure I was pregnant and all was good. Fooled again by the evil progesterone that apparently can mimic EVERY SINGLE symptom of early pregnancy.

Besides cry, drain my phone battery, eat Bryce's slice of lemon cake I was saving for him, and have wine for the first time in two months, WHAT CAN I DO?

Some people might wonder at what point I will consider other options. Well, I have six little Day One, 2PN embryos in the freezer. I don't think I can move on until those have been given their chance to make this cosmic tragedy into a happy ending. But do I just go for it? Or do we seek other opinions from big-name clinics, looking out of state? The problem is, I don't have an answer. There is no smoking gun. I was supposed to be all implantation-friendly after the polyps were removed. But that didn't work. I am working with DONOR EGGS, for pete's sake. That's supposed to mean SOMETHING. Frozens have a success rate of 30-40%, so I could just be THAT unlucky, again. But it is feeling awfully overwhelming, this piling up of evidence that this whole process is just not working for us. So do we move on to other options that are also time consuming, expensive, and a major process in of themselves? Or do we keep on going, since we have no concrete evidence that I can't get and stay pregnant and maybe it's just a matter of time and endurance? I know women who have babies in their arms right this very minute because they kept going when all seemed lost. But what if I am losing my stamina? What if I NEVER get an answer? When do I cry Uncle and cross a bridge to another avenue entirely? One that scares the pants off me? How about that the major adoption agency in my area recently shared that their waiting list for infants is so long that their program is currently closed? Do I let go of pregnancy AND experiencing a truly "fresh" baby? HOW MUCH CAN YOU ASK ME TO GIVE UP, FUCKING UNIVERSE??? HOW MUCH? I am at a loss. I am angry. I am incredibly sad. Do I take a break? Am I capable of taking a true break without perseverating and making myself miserable? Can we actually take a true break where we pretend we are normal married people who take vacations and enjoy spending money on fun, carefree things and not procreation which is supposed to be free? Can we manage not to be completely depressed on our fourth wedding anniversary that is rapidly approaching, since we were totally supposed to be pregnant for that? And now we have to hope it happens for the fifth? And DEAR LORD, not that this is the biggest berry in the patch of suckiness, but what about our CHRISTMAS CARD? I was hoping there'd at least be a little bump or announcement on that thing. Now I'm going to really have to do something humiliating to my cats. Last year's bow ties aren't obvious enough. That makes me incredibly sad, too.

I was worried this would be negative and I wouldn't know what to do. Well, it's here, and my research is at a dead end and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts out there? Any words of advice for someone who is apparently JUST NEVER EVER LEAVING THE GODDAMN TRENCHES? Other than "time to move on," because I'm not there yet. I have embryos and they will be utilized, just not sure how. Not sure what our reserves are financially for any next steps after these little embryolets are utilized. I am tired. My freaking thighs are sore from the shots. My hips and upper thighs are still numb from the hip shots that my body decided were too much this time around.

That's where I am. A very dark, very sad place. Feeling very, very alone and very, very left behind. This is a terrible way to feel. Also, I am fighting a respiratory infection thanks to school germs. So at least I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning that buys my puffy, bloodshot eyes time to normalize (ha) before I have to be there for my students in the afternoon.

This sucks. That is all.

16 comments:

  1. Oh Jess, I am in tears here at work. Just a puddle for you. I am so incredibly sorry. I do not understand it. I am stuck here in the WTF with you. I wish there was something...ANYTHING...I could do.

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    1. Thanks, Em. I didn't want to make you cry! :) At this moment there is nothing to understand, just a big question mark of crap. Thank you for your support... I was so hoping to be sharing good news today. I feel so incredibly robbed.

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  2. Oh, Jess. I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to take this news, when I was so sure this would be the time.
    If I were you, I don't know if I could take the emotional mess of this any more. I would probably seek a second opinion. How much is a phone consult at CCRM, who are known to be the experts (of course I have never tried them so I don't know first hand)?
    I think for now you need to take a break. Be kind to yourself. Spend a little money on a nice, short trip away for the two of you to recover and have something else to focus on. This is what I did after our failed cycles, and it was worth the money each time.
    Overall, whatever you decide to do, we are here with you. If there is anything that could be done, I wish I could do it for you. I'm so sorry.

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    1. Thank you so much... I am plodding through as best I can. A trip is a great idea--our anniversary is coming up and we are going to do an overnight somewhere fancy, but I think we are planning to do the Christmas in Vermont thing again. Something to look forward to. In the meantime, a phone consult with CCRM is $250 and we are going to pursue that. Their price list is daunting, but maybe they will accept our little 2PN embryos and do their magic with them. They aren't grown yet and maybe that would be a good middle step... That also makes me feel better, knowing that I have another avenue to try on the same freaking highway... :) Thank you so much for your words, I appreciate them so, so much.

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  3. Jess, I am so so sorry. This was not the outcome I was hoping you would have. I know that these words don't mean a lot when you are in the midst of such heartache and pain but you are not alone. I am here in the trenches with you. Holding your hand. This does suck and I'm sorry you are feeling such pain. Sending lots of love your way xoxo

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    1. Thank you, Janet! I appreciate your commiseration (but am sorry you are here with me to commiserate). Your support means a lot to me--things will get marginally better with time and there will be a plan, and hopefully a different outcome next time. I just don't know how many "Next Times" I have left in me! Thanks for the love and take care.

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  4. My heart aches for you Jess. No words, other than a big fat "WTF?!" to the universe. Unfair doesn't begin to describe it. I'm frustrated, angry and sad for you. Take solace in your husband and give yourself time to regroup. :(

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    1. Yes, yes, WTF! We have our consultation on Tuesday so we'll see what they say. After that we will set up a phone consult with CCRM. And see if there is anything missing or if we are slowly winding down on this particular path to parenthood, without answers for WHY WHY WHY. Gargh. Thank you for your frustration and anger and sadness, I so appreciate it.

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  5. I'm so so sorry. :'( I barely know what to say... except give yourself a break- your body AND spirit need it. Take a vacation like the other commenters suggested. I know you can never just "forget it" and move on. Wanting a baby is not something that just goes away. You need to try to do things right now that make you happy. Sometimes losing yourself in the service of others is the easiest way to heal. Look into different opportunities to help others - volunteer at a shelter or find another program. You are strong.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I do horribly with breaks. Because we are seeking a second opinion there will be one built in, and quite frankly I need a little break if we are going to have to do PIO ever again because my numb hips are needly now but still numb and I am so black and blue! My whole day as a special education teacher is in the service of others, and I have not a whole heck of a lot left after that. Which I love (and I'd better as it is a jealous mistress and sucks up so much of my time outside of school which I'm sure you know!). So I pour myself into my teaching. I need to get back into knitting or something and do something constructive that's relaxing. I just hate to be alone with my thoughts so I prefer to read and disappear in someone else's life who usually has way more problems than me. :) Thank you, I will keep going to a point and then shift gears I think. There is a limit to what I can keep doing without feeling like I am Einstein's definition of insanity... :) THanks for your support!

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  6. I have no words, just (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you... I will take your hugs!

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  7. I am belatedly catching up on my blogs, and my heart just jumped into my stomach upon reading this. I am so sorry you didn't get better news.
    ~Aimee

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    1. Thanks so much, Aimee... It is incredible how devastating this negative has been... Thank you so much for your thoughts! Sigh.

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  8. Jess-So sorry to hear of your pain and heartbreak. How are you feeling now? I want to say how incredibly brave and determined I think you are. I think that the time to "move onto other options" is different for all of us who go down this path of infertility and grief and if you don't feel like you have done absolutely everything you are comfortable doing, you shouldn't move on yet. Take a break from everything, maybe (even though I know you said you don't do well with breaks), but don't move onto something different until you feel 100% ready. And believe me, you will know when that is for you. I wish you well with whatever your decision going forward is and I will keep following you and offering any kind of support and encouragement that I can. Again, I am sorry this did not turn out the way that you were hoping. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thank you so, so much. I am still pretty well devastated. We are making our plans and had our consult, but it's all so fresh and raw. I agree with you that we need to take a break and let the dust settle on this latest development before making any major next steps. Right now we are in "information gathering" mode...we have set up a phone consult with CCRM in Denver, we are setting up a consult with another clinic that is not so far away, and I am going to set up an informational meeting with an adoption agency. I want to know all the options, but we are not acting on any of them until the new year. I just can't. I have no juice left to power through anything else right now. As much as I hate breaks, I feel like I shouldn't be contemplating more medical treatment until, you know, I can FEEL MY HIPS AND THIGHS. :) Until I am not a weeping mess most days. I cannot make any major decisions until I have mourned some more and am looking through a clearer lens. Then, we weigh our options! We have those little 6 2PNs, and we are fully intending to use them before any major changes in our parenthood path. I need closure before I shut the door on experiencing pregnancy. I need to know I did all I could. Ugh, this is horrid. THank you so much for your pep talk and your understanding--I really appreciate it.

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