Sitting Down to Tea With My Demons (Lupron, Specifically)

I love, love, love my therapist. I think that she has been instrumental in preventing me from being a complete lunatic throughout this past year. She is insightful, she keeps things raw and gritty (I love me a professional who convincingly drops F bombs in appropriate contexts). She pushes me to see when I am my own worst enemy. Which is, unfortunately, on a frequent basis. She is highly accessible. She was amazing when I went through my latest tragedy--coming to my home for sessions because I was too doped up on percoset to go to her, texting and calling to make sure I was ok. But (and there's always a but), there's a complication for this next cycle. My therapist is on maternity leave. And that maternity leave goes pretty much through most of my cycle. I had my last session before I was even scheduled to take my first dose of Lupron.

So, that last session was based on how I will deal, with the cycle in general (because getting started again is exciting, but also incredibly terrifying after our last experience), but specifically with Lupron. I hate that drug. It doesn't affect everyone the same way, but for me it is a torment from hell. I hate it worse than Clomid, the little white pill of evil. Lupron works by dropping your estrogen through the floor so that your system can be totally manipulated by your medical team. It shuts your system down, but effectively puts you into a menopausal state until you start stimming, or estrogen support, or whatever your cycle demands. (Stimming drugs up your estrogen as your follicles grow and mature...estrogen support tricks your body into thinking that your ovaries are doing something when really they are not, so that you can have a nice thick lining for your frozen or donor transfer even though your ovaries did not produce a single egg. Weird but effective.) I am very sorry in advance for Bryce for when I go through actual menopause. Because the Lupron makes me easily irritated and frustrated, very quick to cry, tired, bloated, suffer hot flashes, suffer migraines caused by my estrogen taking a jump off a cliff, and I get stupid. I can't remember things. I can't remember what the end of my sentence was supposed to be when I start it. I forget words. It's bad.

I thought my Lupron days were over since I had such a good response to a cycle that used Ganarelix for suppression instead--but apparently for someone like me whose hormones are so wacky, Lupron is my only choice for a frozen. Yayyyyyyyy.

So, given that I have no choice, my only choice is in how I deal with this dastardly drug. My therapist said I should sit down to tea with my demons. This is based on a Buddhist story about a monk who was plagued by demons. He tried all sorts of things to get rid of them--fighting them with different weapons, yelling at them, tricking them. But they only got bigger and more ferocious. Finally, he decided he would just invite them to tea. The demons sat down with the monk, he understood the nature of the demons, and they disappeared (mostly). I am probably butchering this story, but it made sense to me. Instead of fighting Lupron and dreading it, I should sit down to tea with it and figure out a strategy for dealing.

And so here it is...I have done everything possible to make sure that in the time that I am on Lupron only (the worst time! The no estrogen time!), I take the best possible care of myself. I scheduled my observation at school for the earliest possible time (it's done) so that there was no chance I could be observed while on Lupron. Which is not horrible but not pretty, and more stress than I need when I'm altered in that way. I am giving myself permission to be...sufficient at school. I am giving myself the same permission at home. So what if the vacuuming doesn't get done at the regular intervals it's supposed to? So what if I don't make fancypants dinners and rely on frozen food, not leftovers, for lunch during this time? Bryce is super helpful and he's planning on picking up some slack. He's even doing the Thanksgiving cooking. I remember several cycles ago, trying to make something complicated while on Lupron and ending up on the floor, covered in rice flour, sobbing hysterically. So thank you, Bryce, for saving me (and us!) that nonsense again. If I need to nap when I come home from school, I will do it without guilt. If I need to be a total lump on the couch, ditto. No guilt. I will not be doing anything that causes me stress (at least not on purpose). I am going to cut myself a big, fat, break as much as I can.

So there, Lupron, you have no reduced power over me! Actually, I thank you, because you are the first step in hopefully making this frozen cycle a success. Without you, I can't possibly get pregnant with those two beautiful blasts in the freezer. There. I hope you liked your tea.