Just a Little Bit Sad

I love fall. I love the changing leaves, the pumpkins, the cooler weather, the apple picking, the flushed cheeks and almost visible breath. We got married on a favorite holiday, Halloween, because the fall is such a wonderful time of year.

But I'm just a little sad this fall. A small part of it is Facebook and all the pictures of kids running around, picking out their pumpkins and playing in the leaves. But most of it is things I see or feel in real time. We went to Powers Farm Market to get pumpkin doughnuts for Bryce, and saw the teepees getting set up for the spooky display of jack 'o lanterns they do every year for kids. We saw the first pumpkins set out for choosing. We saw the giant tubs of mums. And I sat in the car with our wonderful greyhound while Bryce got his yummy doughnuts and cried quietly to myself. I cried because I want to go to Powers and pick out pumpkins and apples and doughnuts and mums with my own little children. I cried because most of the families I saw with young children had parents obviously younger than us (and I always wanted to be a "young parent"). I cried because this year we'll be walking through the teepees while shrieking children run past us and once again won't be even expecting a little one of our own (yes, I realize we weren't even married last year at this time, but it's more a life-in-general thought than an actual relationship-timeline thought). I think we might be the creepy childless people in the teepee at this point.

Sometimes it just hits me--the feeling of impossibility that, despite our being told that we have excellent chances at succeeding eventually, just haunts me. The feeling that this might not happen for us the way we envision it (or further away from how we envisioned it, since I don't think many young people dream "Someday I'll meet the man of my dreams and we'll make a baby in a lab!"). I cried myself to sleep the other night, because I was lying in bed and just trying to imagine a little person coming into the room saying "Mommy, I can't sleep!" or "Mommy, Daddy, I'm scared!" and I had a really hard time with it. Normally I can see a child in this house no problem, but for some reason that night I couldn't picture it and it made me unbelievably sad.

I know that I will get past the sadness and feel more hopeful soon, but it is a constant yo-yo. One day I'm hopeful and can think about names and picture what the little room upstairs will look like, and the next I'm crying over other people's kids screaming over pumpkins. I guess I just have to stay on this rollercoaster and enjoy the ride.