tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post5865550202509191773..comments2023-11-19T21:42:17.901-08:00Comments on My Path to Mommyhood: Hope Is A Thing With...FangsJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-62106768756638308062017-01-15T09:28:16.923-08:002017-01-15T09:28:16.923-08:00Oh, I am so very sorry to hear your news. That'...Oh, I am so very sorry to hear your news. That's awful, and I feel for you in this moment. I am glad this post brought you some humor and a feeling that someone knows a bit about where you are. Everyone's shoes are different, no matter how similar, but it is so nice to not feel alone. I don't love the reason for it, but I love the phrase "Kill the unicorn." So apt. I so appreciate your comment and hope that the cheering can be mutual, no matter which way things go in the end. Thank you so much for reading and stopping in to let me know! Love to you, all the way in Kazakhstan. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-45770199151617142192017-01-15T09:24:46.180-08:002017-01-15T09:24:46.180-08:00Seriously, right? It's a terrible video. I am ...Seriously, right? It's a terrible video. I am CLEARLY not the intended audience, but maybe that makes me a good critic since I can see back to where I was when I would have eaten that up. I'm both glad and sorry that your clinic is so honest, sorry because that can't be easy to hear but glad because they're not blowing rainbows where the sun don't shine, making you question motives. I know it would be a real crap marketing tool, but I wish there was more honesty about how often it works, how many cycles it typically takes, and that there are people for whom it never works, in the end. I don't think I heard a lot about that piece when in the thick of it, they were always scary stories in the periphery, in the dark, instead of a comforting, "If this doesn't work out, life can and will be okay, at least eventually." Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-68679422072946306072017-01-15T09:21:26.085-08:002017-01-15T09:21:26.085-08:00Thank you so much -- logically I know we are as &q...Thank you so much -- logically I know we are as "deserving" as anyone else, but those types of statements bring that feeling out in me. The conversations about limbo are so difficult and inevitably result in tears for me, but you're right -- they are so important to have. Even our first homestudy meeting involved the social worker asking if we'd had serious conversations about what we'd do if this didn't work out, which was interesting. I like the time will tell, and I hope for that peace, too. I have it sometimes and then something rips it away, but I can always snatch at least a tiny bit of it back. :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-36601568850410691822017-01-15T09:19:15.589-08:002017-01-15T09:19:15.589-08:00Yes, absolutely. I really, really hate when they s...Yes, absolutely. I really, really hate when they say "implanting." And there is TOTALLY a stigma to saying ENOUGH, there is always a "couldn't you have" or "so-and-so got pregnant on their 15th IVF" or whatever, and all you see is the total mental breakdown that would have ensued. I appreciate your comment so much, because it's true that when you are struggling, you have to decide at some point when to keep going and when to move on, because it's just not healthy and can consume your life. Thank you!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-45396899943175844612017-01-13T23:29:48.837-08:002017-01-13T23:29:48.837-08:00Dear Jess,
I am laying in bed waiting for my 5th ...Dear Jess,<br /><br />I am laying in bed waiting for my 5th miscarriage. I just found out yesterday. I actually found your blog because I googled "teacher+miscarriage" to figure out the best way to handle it this time as I take time off during a very busy part of the year as an international teacher for AP classes. I just wanted to thank you for this post. Hope and fangs brought some humor to what currently feels like a pretty shitty situation. I actually just asked my husband to "kill the unicorn" this time because I didn't have it in me to be hopeful for the next cycle yet. Between our shared experience of teaching (I'm an English teacher with background in special education) and the infertility credentials, I feel like you're telling my story. Thanks for telling it with such truth. I plan to read your blog faithfully and please know you have a reader in Kazakhstan who is cheering for you and your husband. Please keep writing!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-8912918440253557012016-11-16T05:34:00.558-08:002016-11-16T05:34:00.558-08:00What a crappy video to find. It's good that ne...What a crappy video to find. It's good that new technologies are being developed, but really how many cases will they really help and how available will they be to the public. It doesn't seem to me like many infertility cases can be "fixed" or "treated": the procedures attempt to bypass the problem but it's still a problem or there's other unknown problems that get in the way. I guess that's one way I'm lucky at our clinic: at every appointment I hear some variety of "your fertility really sucks" so I've never had high expectations. I sometimes feel like people who have frozen embryos are very lucky and have it in the bag, but so many FETs don't work either. It's a good reality check of what might happen if we do decide to try DE IVF. torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-23837372231946545962016-11-15T22:18:55.219-08:002016-11-15T22:18:55.219-08:00My heart hurt for you several times while reading ...My heart hurt for you several times while reading this post. It especially touched my heartstrings with the part about feeling somehow undeserving by not getting pregnant. You are both deserving to be parents. Unfortunately, your passion may not match the outcome. I hope it does and that Mystery Baby arrives soon. Time will tell if it will happen.<br /><br />Glad you guys are having conversations about the limbo. As difficult as it is, they are worth having. May peace settle into your hearts while you continue to wait.Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06275071143469111072noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-32940586591542663922016-11-11T13:16:27.351-08:002016-11-11T13:16:27.351-08:00The "implanting" vs "transferring&q...The "implanting" vs "transferring" thing drives me CRAZY. I have noticed lately, probably since I'm on my "one last try" baby, this kind of stigma against admitting defeat in the baby making area. Knowing when to call it is an important part of any struggle, but especially such a physically and emotionally taxing one. Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00585102132829280344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-60130902229705615812016-11-11T08:38:49.822-08:002016-11-11T08:38:49.822-08:00Thank you so much, Pamela. I felt so angry about i...Thank you so much, Pamela. I felt so angry about it because that is terminology I've NEVER heard them use before, and it was actually shocking to me. Because I don't think it's changed, it's purely inaccurate.<br /><br />I actually did read Avalanche, and it resonated with me -- there were so many parts when I felt so HEARD, and that I've said or thought similar things, too. I wanted to participate in your book blog, but it was too close to the start of the school year and I was swamped and just couldn't make it happen. But thanks to you, and Mali, and Cristy, and BNB, and others I bought it and read it and absorbed it.<br /> <br />I do think that there needs to be more honesty about when IVF DOESN'T work in the industry so that people go in eyes wide open. I feel like I got that far more with adoption than with infertility, which was all about hope and possibility and the "next try." Arguably I led the charge on that to some extent, but there's just so much out there that makes you think this controls the uncontrollable. <br /><br />Thank you for your comment, sorry I wrote a novel in response, and I so appreciate your voice and your advocacy in this arena. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-61105283365070353462016-11-11T08:32:51.618-08:002016-11-11T08:32:51.618-08:00Thank you. It's the marketing piece that makes...Thank you. It's the marketing piece that makes me so mad, and I feel like sure there are people who will reap that success but there will be others who don't and who will feel bad about it because it seemed like such a sure thing. Hooboy, I am not on Twitter but I am honored to be circulated. The "in-between place" is so hard, and Bryce has always been better about putting his thoughts out there about it than me...we are both tired but he is really feeling the stress of everything. I keep telling Bryce he needs to write a guest post! :) Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated as always! Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-14076715327908828472016-11-11T08:24:08.500-08:002016-11-11T08:24:08.500-08:00Dear Jess,
Thank you for this post and for openly ...Dear Jess,<br />Thank you for this post and for openly exploring the complex and charged emotions that washed over you when you watched that overt misrepresentation of your RE describing the transfer process. I know well those same feelings. After nearly 10 years of blogging on this topic I am sad to see that instead of patient/consumers getting better/more accurate information they're being instead sold the latest profit-making procedure. <br /><br />BTW: You might want to read Avalanche. There are several eye-popping scenes including the one where the RE tells Julia as she is making the, yes, transfer: there's the baby. <br /><br />Your post, and many others before it, convinced me in recent years to refocus and expand my writing and research to call for reform in how this industry operates....sadly, i've seen too many women harmed and traumatized by it.Pamela T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11474998003921896431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-6989324010834740872016-11-11T08:12:38.101-08:002016-11-11T08:12:38.101-08:00Oh god they are nefarious bastards. Surely no othe...Oh god they are nefarious bastards. Surely no other branch of healthcare would get away with misusing terminology and outright lying in such a way? I get so fired up about this. I just saw that Pamela had circulated this post on Twitter, Jess, and I agree it's powerful. You put into words a lot of what I feel. Bryce is also very eloquent when he talks about "this in-between place" - it about sums it up. https://differentshoresblog.wordpress.com/https://www.blogger.com/profile/16936131757889957955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-71968903003815833952016-11-11T06:24:37.224-08:002016-11-11T06:24:37.224-08:00Oh, yes. Thank you so much for your beautiful and ...Oh, yes. Thank you so much for your beautiful and empathetic comment. That is it, jarring isolation. And it's like being inside a glass zoo exhibit -- you're all alone, but everyone is looking and talking about your very personal decisions, because they want to be helpful but it's often not so much. And you are so right, marketing and family-centric America. Thank you for your solidarity. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-29658642740980047132016-11-11T06:21:39.806-08:002016-11-11T06:21:39.806-08:00Thank you. We are doing all kinds of things to try...Thank you. We are doing all kinds of things to try to be as proactive as possible, but it's hard. I don't like putting a "deadline" on something, but I think for our sanity and quality of life we have to. It's not anytime soon, so there's plenty of time for things to come through. (YOU HEAR THAT, FUTUREBABY? PLENTY OF TIME SO GET ON IT!) Thanks for the hugs. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-34781916201492332722016-11-11T06:20:09.023-08:002016-11-11T06:20:09.023-08:00Right? I thought that was WAY outdated BECAUSE it ...Right? I thought that was WAY outdated BECAUSE it is so misleading. Wow, you have a great clinic. I so appreciate when both sides are represented, truly represented. It's funny, the harsh is that whole "cruel to be kind" thing -- I'd take someone who will dole out truth on this score before someone who will keep pushing for more even though it's clear it won't make a difference, in hopes of that Golden Ticket. Argh. I do have to say that this doctor was the one who was more straight, and I didn't want to hear it. Sigh.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-47469182389990980912016-11-11T06:18:16.638-08:002016-11-11T06:18:16.638-08:00Thank you so much. Such a difficult space to be, b...Thank you so much. Such a difficult space to be, but so helpful to have love and thoughts surrounding me. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-41700547183868059272016-11-11T06:17:52.260-08:002016-11-11T06:17:52.260-08:00Oh, thank you.
I know they'd never do it bec...Oh, thank you. <br /><br />I know they'd never do it because it would go against marketing, but I wish that they would offer information on people who haven't been successful. Maybe not when they're recruiting patients, but when you're availing yourself of the counseling and they have people who are struggling, it would sure be nice to have a support where people who passed through those doors before you could tell you you'll survive it. Maybe I need to write them a letter. <br /><br />Thank you. It feels sometimes like people will say things like "well, you gave up on trying" or "when you quit," and that makes me crazy. I hope FutureBaby comes before decision day too. But if he/she doesn't, then I will be sad but it will be good to know I can move on. I think I could...I don't want to, but I think I could. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-26322059999727888552016-11-11T06:12:51.448-08:002016-11-11T06:12:51.448-08:00I sure hope so! It's nice to have people in yo...I sure hope so! It's nice to have people in your boat, but a bit sad when it's a painful boat. I feel like I had the capacity to be excited far more in the beginning, and it renews when we have an opportunity (which totally makes sense), but when there's such a drought it's so, so hard. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-21499083537283386262016-11-11T06:10:16.794-08:002016-11-11T06:10:16.794-08:00Thank you! So, to adopt an older child we would ha...Thank you! So, to adopt an older child we would have to become certified through the foster care process, and that would involve extensive additional training so that we would be prepared for kids who've faced trauma. Older kids don't come to need new families through happy circumstances. It's a whole different ballgame. Also, with foster, you face the risk that this child could be yours to love temporarily, and there are many court dates involved and lots of uncertainty. I have friends who adopted through this process, and it worked for them, but it was so hard. I have suffered trauma myself and just don't think I can handle that extended fear of loss. I can assure you all of our decisions related to infertility and adoption are based on so much thought, so much weighing, so many T-charts. This option is the one that's best for us. :) Good question, though!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-87935141467130960722016-11-11T06:05:16.722-08:002016-11-11T06:05:16.722-08:00Oh, those were powerful videos, thank you. Yeah, m...Oh, those were powerful videos, thank you. Yeah, money is totally at play, in everything. It's so funny, because Bryce wanted me to email our previous doctor with a link to this post. I don't know what that would accomplish. In some ways, he's just doing his job and for someone just starting out, that video would be a total bastion of hope. But for someone who failed, that video is failed opportunity and years of unsuccessful attempts and no miracles. I think he'd care, but I don't know what he'd do about it other than have a good think. I'll have to think on that one myself a bit here. Thanks for your thoughts. It's so hard not to internalize this kind of thing and feel like a failure no matter what I do. :(Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-51557809121326612832016-11-10T02:09:46.157-08:002016-11-10T02:09:46.157-08:00My heart breaks reading this post because I know a...My heart breaks reading this post because I know all too well the feeling of pointless exertion and endless waiting in the cycle of being crushed and rebuilt by hope. I wish I could in some way offer a solution, but that is the jarring isolation of this: it's you and chance alone; we can only provide empathy and encouragement to listen carefully to what your heart says about your limitations and/or what you can or can't accept for the long-term. I am standing with you, feeling helpless to help, and supporting those choices, which are so hard to make in the face of marketing and family-centric America.A. (The Empress and the Fool)https://www.blogger.com/profile/12811582715346428693noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-72584020626938419052016-11-09T08:17:48.904-08:002016-11-09T08:17:48.904-08:00I'm so sorry Jess. I wish I had the power to c...I'm so sorry Jess. I wish I had the power to change something for you and Bryce. Truly. Big Hugs.Charlottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-43034892299526237202016-11-09T07:38:02.181-08:002016-11-09T07:38:02.181-08:00"implanting" an embryo is definitely not..."implanting" an embryo is definitely not correct vocab to be using! I think a lot of people think that with IVF you just put the embryo into a womb and then bang you're pregnant. The other side is not talked about so much. My clinic's handbook actually said that IVF doesn't work for everyone and if it doesn't work then you have to accept that. I remember thinking how harsh it sounded at the time but I guess they had a point! The problem is knowing how far to go before you should accept it's not going to work. I hate false hope though, doctors should give it to you straight.dubliner in Deutschlandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16531838540641364420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-459727898639459572016-11-08T20:46:25.442-08:002016-11-08T20:46:25.442-08:00My thoughts are with you. My heart is with you. My thoughts are with you. My heart is with you. Middle Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12334580430376973159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-85859654892507559512016-11-08T14:51:45.587-08:002016-11-08T14:51:45.587-08:00Oh Jess I'm so sorry that you saw that video. ...Oh Jess I'm so sorry that you saw that video. It is peddling hope which is good for those people that are just starting on their journey, but not so good for those people that have moved on. <br /><br />You most absolutely did not give up!! You guys have been in limbo for so long and only you guys can make the decision on when to leave the inbetween place. I am hoping that you don't get anywhere near your decision date before Future Baby comes!!Non Sequitur Chicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07268138421234170972noreply@blogger.com