tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post3712024697534817306..comments2023-11-19T21:42:17.901-08:00Comments on My Path to Mommyhood: Every Day A Little Better (Except Tuesday. WTF, Tuesday?)Jesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-24313779303655391432017-05-01T10:38:04.640-07:002017-05-01T10:38:04.640-07:00Oh boy I am so far behind in commenting, but I con...Oh boy I am so far behind in commenting, but I continue to love all of the little things that you are doing for yourself. Keep it up!<br /><br />Do you guys have Peapod or something similar so that you don't have to go to the grocery store?Non Sequitur Chicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07268138421234170972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-64485347817596502872017-04-23T15:13:56.285-07:002017-04-23T15:13:56.285-07:00No worries at all! Thank you for your thoughts. It...No worries at all! Thank you for your thoughts. It is definitely a cumulative thing where I just can't bear any more. It's hard. I appreciate that you're here! I will be writing back to you shortly! :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-12688765034143998452017-04-23T15:12:51.377-07:002017-04-23T15:12:51.377-07:00The Helen Keller quote is one of my favorites. Tha...The Helen Keller quote is one of my favorites. That magnet is one of my new favorite things...the fangs get all misaligned because it's above the dish drying rack and I get a kick out of making them more and less obvious by the day. :) Oh goodness, an invitation to self-care sounds lovely. I am facing going back to work on Tuesday and while it will be good to be back to a normal routine and I am feeling much better, it is making me twitchy. I will add "Living the Life Unexpected" to the list for this ongoing process... :)Thanks so much for your thoughts! And those earrings are my absolute favorite right now. I wore them every day I didn't feel mostly myself and they were very comforting. Goo results in beautiful things, later. :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-62578081271409583382017-04-23T15:10:23.081-07:002017-04-23T15:10:23.081-07:00Thank you! It really does make me happy every time...Thank you! It really does make me happy every time I look at that cut up magnet. I will have to look into "Ever Upward." Right now it is taking me forever to move through LWB because it's hard, so I think I will add that to the list but have hit a limit at the moment. Thank you so much for your thoughts, they are very much appreciated!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-69326292954253597022017-04-18T19:31:29.021-07:002017-04-18T19:31:29.021-07:00So I'm a) late to the party (an ongoing theme ...So I'm a) late to the party (an ongoing theme in my life right now) and b) I feel like an ass because I thought I was following your blog, but alas, I was not. Sorry about that! <br /><br />Anyway, I'm so happy to hear that you are taking such good care of yourself. You've had one heck of a run and it's a lot for any human to bear. I can't find your email to reach out more formally, but I want you to know that I'm here.BentNotBrokenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10151724076659555122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-83438763004300906912017-04-18T18:04:48.928-07:002017-04-18T18:04:48.928-07:00Love the Helen Keller quote -- the cut-up "ne...Love the Helen Keller quote -- the cut-up "never give up" magnet totally cracked me up. Glad to see you have kept your sense of humour (even if it's on the black side, lol)!! Love the earrings too. I have a similar pair in silver, but I LOVE the monarch effect of yours!! <br /><br />Some great reading choices... I can add Jody Day's "Living the Life Unexpected" to the others people have mentioned. And Tracey has JUST come out with her second book... I do not have it yet, but it sounds like it would be right up your current alley -- it's called "An Invitation to Self-Care." :) loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-58162344422664452832017-04-17T07:50:14.365-07:002017-04-17T07:50:14.365-07:00Love your "never give up hope" installat...Love your "never give up hope" installation - that's awesome. The earrings are gorgeous. And a huge "yay" for surprise cookies!<br /><br />The Tracy Cleantis book is really good. I also would submit Justine Froelker's "Ever Upward" as a good one about self-care and letting go (if you're looking for others). <br /><br />Sorry about Tuesday, ugh, what a day! I swear cars have some sort of sensor for emotional stress and choose to die just at the moment where you REALLY need to be somewhere. <br /><br />Like others have said, know that there are lots of thoughts going out for you right now. Sending some of those now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-39762811294767269332017-04-15T15:56:39.654-07:002017-04-15T15:56:39.654-07:00Thank you! It was so much fun and strangely freein...Thank you! It was so much fun and strangely freeing to do it. And make it fang-y.<br /><br />I love, love, loved your post about the doors. I am sad I missed it the first time, but it came to me at the perfect time. I truly feel that your posts are part of why I feel that this can be a happiness for for me, and I've shared so much of what you've written with Bryce as it speaks to fears and things to look forward to and grief rising up but figuring out new focus, new priorities. Your posts give me how where several years ago I would have been to scared to consider then as applying to me. <br /><br />Trying so hard to do nothing, but also work through what got me here and how I can move forward in a less gooey state. I am coloring a lot. I am finding it hard to read as much on all the meds. And I feel less like Lt. Dan every day. Ha ha ha. Thank you for the love and support... It truly helps in this crapass time.<br /><br />P.S. I read Silent Sorority earlier this year! Also, Avalanche. And I started reading a lot more childfree not by choice blogs. I think part of me knew about six months ago that I was inching towards this door, but I shoved it into my eye. 😉Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-42404201280652579222017-04-15T15:46:12.256-07:002017-04-15T15:46:12.256-07:00Ha! Thank you. I can't imagine having the ener...Ha! Thank you. I can't imagine having the energy to shred magnet after magnet for Etsy, that one had a special energy. Bryce is with you, though... He thinks a lot of people would want one. Thank you for directing me to Mali's post... it was beautiful, and just perfect for my current headspace. And I love the doors analogy. I am in that collapsed and exhausted state. I need to read more of my books, because I've been avoiding, using the holiday I'm not really celebrating as an excuse. Ha. Thank you for the oceans of live and support. And I live that, goo is transition. It sure is. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-90914046755704694852017-04-14T20:46:51.338-07:002017-04-14T20:46:51.338-07:00I love your "never give up" art installa...I love your "never give up" art installation. It is very healthy!<br /><br />I know it's hard to read the books - and that blog post that Cristy recommended ;-) - and contemplate this, but there are so many stories out there that I hope will make the prospect less scary. (I also read "Sweet Grapes" but it never spoke to me in the way that Pamela's Silent Sorority or Lisa's Life Without Baby did.)<br /><br />It seems to me you're doing everything right now. Not making firm decisions, lots of self-care, and of course, Doing NOTHING! Of course, none of that is easy, I know. But it's all important. Breathe deeply, take care. Sending hugs.<br /><br />PS. Loved your Lieutenant Dan reference. I certainly have felt like that at times, but don't want to tempt fate either.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-67879904959011843022017-04-14T15:46:30.387-07:002017-04-14T15:46:30.387-07:00I have to do a double-take with the "Never gi...I have to do a double-take with the "Never give up" magnet. I think you should replicate and sell on Etsy. Seriously. <br /><br />That aside, I'm glad you are being so proactive about healing. Including buying those books and diving into exploring a path so many fear. I did this too ("Sweet Grapes" was the book I read, recommended by Lavendar Luz). It confused many outside looking in but knowing what that road looked like made it easier to make future decisions because I now knew that happily ever after was possible even if it wasn't the way an envisioned. I'll add one more to your list, which is apost by Mali called Infertility's waiting room: http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2014/03/infertilitys-waiting-room.html?m=0<br /><br />Continuing to send oceans of love and support. You may be goo, but goo is transition.Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-82468322904441406812017-04-14T06:30:59.249-07:002017-04-14T06:30:59.249-07:00I'm glad! I felt like, Holy crow, this is almo...I'm glad! I felt like, Holy crow, this is almost as long (if not the same) as the anatomy of my breakdown, but this one made me feel happy. I like chronicling the little steps to crawl out of the pit. Tuesday was a backslide, but then monarch earrings. And surprise cookies. So yeah. Ooh, looking forward to the owl story. I love owls, but then they got super popular, but I've managed to still love them. :) I have another tattoo I want, I might go ahead and get that one while I wait to see if this one artist will do my shoulder/back. Get the itch out. Although I'm not sure I'm supposed to do that sort of thing on all these meds. Maybe the prednisone will make me reject the ink or something. ARGH. What are your tattoos of? Sometimes they are personal, but I love a tattoo with a story. And yes. therapy is so important. One foot in front of the other sounds about right. <br />THank you so much for all the love and support. And I love that Churchill quote. (Never never never give up is supposedly his too, but I wish I'd found the Going Through Hell magnet, because I wouldn't have shredded it into fangs)... :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-2813935366413462772017-04-14T06:26:46.193-07:002017-04-14T06:26:46.193-07:00Oh please don't apologize for the long comment...Oh please don't apologize for the long comment! It's like having a chat with you over a cup of tea (I'd prefer coffee but I can't have too much caffeine or my heartrate goes canary right now). Thank you for sharing your story and commiserating. I am so sorry for your loss, for the double and gradual nature of it, for all of it. I think that's the big question, right? "When is enough, enough?" That's been my grapple. And everyone's enough is different, and there's just so many layers you can go through. We had an enough with our own genetics, and then an enough with fertility treatment, and we are nearing our enough with adoption and the whole journey. Nine years...that's a long time. But we all get to decide our own enough. It's just so hard when faced with that never give up mentality that makes me, personally, feel a weird obligation to others, to not be disappointing, to not be seen as a quitter. WHICH IS CRAZYPANTS. It is so interesting to look back on everything from this vantage point and all the ways that hope is peddled...but also that hope is necessary. So I wish peace and hope for you as well, and I appreciate the hope you harbor on my behalf. The time is limited, but you never know. <br /><br />Thanks for having a virtual cup of tea with me! I appreciate your company. :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-63653755035895707192017-04-13T18:45:21.612-07:002017-04-13T18:45:21.612-07:00This is such a nice post to read! I love all the p...This is such a nice post to read! I love all the positive things...gifting things to yourself, the sweet gestures from friends, the new therapist (yay!), new meds (double yay!). All such good things!!<br />I had a car experience JUST LIKE THAT only everyone ended up just thinking I was crazy. Like, yeah, I woke up and forgot how the hell to start my own car. SO frustrating and WTF for sure.<br />Love the magnets. I have an owl story I need to blog about, thanks for the reminder! The earrings are Beautiful!! Love all the meaning in them. And the tattoo...DO IT!!! Such healing there. I have quite a few from my dark time, and they remind me how far I've come.<br />There is a quote (Winston Churchill, I ~think~) that I read somewhere during my dark time "When you are going through hell, keep going". And it's so true. The best you can do is use the meds, go to therapy (seriously, I was never a believer in therapy until I did it.), work through all the steps but most important keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking each moment as it comes. One step becomes one moment becomes one day.<br />You've got this, Jess. And all of us here, we've got your back. So much love coming your way tonight.<br />Charlottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-74789469095220617552017-04-13T18:23:21.842-07:002017-04-13T18:23:21.842-07:00After nine years of this crap, I'm with you, I...After nine years of this crap, I'm with you, I definitely feel like it's perhaps time to jump onto a different boat. When we started this journey back in 2008, we weren't naive as my parents struggled for 7 years to have children and my cycles have always been a mess. But if you would have told me that after nine years, we'd still be without living children and reeling from the death of our Evelyn...Well, let's just say it's probably better to not have a crystal ball because this isn't something you want to know is coming for you. When we posted that "Good things are going to happen!" paper, it was our last ditch effort to summon up some hope. At that point, it had been 7 years and I'd had open heart surgery, we'd had a miscarriage, and we'd been through treatment after treatment at the infertility clinics without success. So we were at "the end" of the treatment line. You know the place. It's a shitty place to be. So we have it all we had and 4 IVF cycles later, we got pregnant with Evie and her twin, who we lost early on. So when Evelyn died, it felt especially cruel. She fought hard for 9 hrs in the NICU but her little warrior body was just too worn out. This journey is one I will never understand and one that I cannot even quite believe we're on. When is enough, enough? How much pain can a person take? Adoption is the best path forward for us but as you well know, there are no guarantees and the journey is long and hard all on its own. I don't understand how it is decided who will have an easy time of child bearing and who will have to endure such hardship. Wishing you peace and comfort -- I still (believe it or not) harbor hope for us both. (Apologies for the l o n g comment)MNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15623936281811321845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-13918454736439776372017-04-13T16:57:41.568-07:002017-04-13T16:57:41.568-07:00Thank you so much. That is a good sentence, for su...Thank you so much. That is a good sentence, for sure. Actually seeing it all on its own made me tear up. I am sure trying to do all the things (and NOT do all the things) that will make this into a better situation, for the long haul but most importantly to get me out of goo state. Thank you so much for the love!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-75282005122109632512017-04-13T14:47:57.856-07:002017-04-13T14:47:57.856-07:00It's so amazing to read about all the good thi...It's so amazing to read about all the good things you are doing. I love this sentence: "I am accepting a hard reality, but I am accepting it so I can be free." Yes indeed.torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-21632250326815193182017-04-13T14:26:34.805-07:002017-04-13T14:26:34.805-07:00Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel l...Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel like there are things from the beginning of the journey and there are things that you find at a different point that make you wonder how you could be so blatantly optimistic. But hope isn't an altogether bad thing, and if covering that paper helps for now, that works. I have a whole vision board hiding behind a hutch in a storage closet. I know it's there, I just don't want to dismantle it quite yet. That magnet felt like it was mocking me though and pushing me in an unhealthy direction. I am so glad you like what I've done to it... :) It was incredibly freeing. <br /><br />I am so sorry for your loss that you've endured and keep enduring, and I wish for you hope and peace moving forward. This journey is so freaking hard, and there are so many ways for it to beat you to a pulp. But there are so many ways to get back up, too. I think I just need to redirect my sails a bit. Maybe hop on a different boat. <br /><br />Thank you for the good vibes, and I am going to do my damndest to DO NOTHING. It is really hard for me to do but I am going to do it. I have another massage a week from Sunday, but I think I will try to get on the cancellation list. Thank you for your beautiful comment -- I so appreciate your words and love and vibes. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-39548870290744609292017-04-13T14:06:10.832-07:002017-04-13T14:06:10.832-07:00Your obliterated magnet is perfection. It reminded...Your obliterated magnet is perfection. It reminded me of when we first got home from the hospital last summer following our daughter's premature birth and death and standing in front of our refrigerator -- who knows why, I did a lot of wandering and staring aimlessly those first few weeks -- and my eyes fell on the printed page I'd put up when we first started IVF the year before. "Good things are going to happen!" it says in BOLD. And the page is filled with other positive affirmations and quotes. I stared at it and I nearly laughed. You know, the maniacal kind of laugh that only comes when you're just at the lowest of the low, in such deep grief that you don't even recognize yourself. It came from such a dark place, my want to laugh at that paper on the fridge. That positive piece of paper that was only meant to buoy our spirits as we took that IVF plunge. It did the trick at the time but now, it just feels like it's mocking us. And yes, the paper is still there, and I don't know why -- although I've covered it with other things because I can't stand looking at it. I keep thinking about taking it down but in the end, I don't. Maybe because we've lost so much that it feels like if we DO take it down, we'll be removing the one shred of hope that still remains. I don't know. But I DO know that I love how you handled that damn magnet of yours. And I'm glad it felt good. Maybe it's time for me to do something similar with that paper of ours...time will tell. <br /><br />Sending you lots of good vibes -- keep working on YOU and doing what you need or, you know, doing NOTHING. Because that's likely the best possible thing you can do for yourself right now. And I hope you can get in sooner rather than later for your massage <3MNhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15623936281811321845noreply@blogger.com