tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post371052686979636635..comments2023-11-19T21:42:17.901-08:00Comments on My Path to Mommyhood: It's Too Soon For ThatJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-83453482581386791292016-07-11T06:15:49.553-07:002016-07-11T06:15:49.553-07:00I'm thinking of you as you navigate all of thi...I'm thinking of you as you navigate all of this. I love you.Amanda Prescotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11709979610638621806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-4539033049409567872016-07-10T02:12:12.843-07:002016-07-10T02:12:12.843-07:00I am sorry that people are already voicing doubts....I am sorry that people are already voicing doubts. I suspect it is partially that people don't know what to say and it's always a toss up between being enthusiastic or realistic, neither of which is ideal.<br />Hopefully you will get the call you are waiting for soon and an end to your wait.<br />One of the more frustrating parts of the process is how much you tell people or not tell them, and how much their reactions can wear on you. If you choose to keep treatment and adoption processes quiet, people make awkward comments about not having children. When you tell people about it, then they make the kinds of comments you talk about. You can't win!Persnicketyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18436903120495453879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-17822943684318997152016-07-09T11:30:30.192-07:002016-07-09T11:30:30.192-07:00I love what you wrote about the tinge of relief. I...I love what you wrote about the tinge of relief. If donor sperm results in yet another miscarriage for us, we will pull the plug on pregnancy and move on to adoption. For me that's the option that when I think of it is a tinge of relief, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I wish I knew what to say to bring comfort. I am rooting for you guys way too often for being strangers. I still truly believe you will be matched, and get THE call. I also know the wait must be so so awful. That limbo sucks. It's okay to admit it sucks and admitting it sucks doesn't mean you should/want to give up. Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00585102132829280344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-75697305588629484952016-07-08T20:55:40.677-07:002016-07-08T20:55:40.677-07:00Thank you so much for your thoughts! I can do the ...Thank you so much for your thoughts! I can do the educating, no problem...it just is hard when you feel like you are educating on essentially the same topic for so long. It was so interesting, when I sent out the end-of-year update to my school, I had a ZILLION people come up to me and tell me that I'm always in their thoughts, but they just never knew if it was okay to ask me about adoption. I feel like I yell from the rooftops "Please ask me about adoption!" but I feel like I have to keep repeating the same things for people to get that I really mean it. Also, in some ways, putting the relief/guilt piece out there is a way to out myself slowly, to let people gradually get used to the idea that there might be a terminus to this in the future, and as much as we'd love for it to be us parenting a baby, there's also a chance that that might not happen. And that that's obviously not the outcome we'd hoped for, but it would be okay, eventually. I definitely feel that the comments made were made out of love, and not out of malice at all. It's just hard to realize how tired everyone else is just watching us fight this fight. I think you were the one who said that you wanted people to have the stamina to be excited for us when we were flagging, and it's like you were psychic! Lastly, yes, I think there is more empathy being taught in schools thanks to the devil internet for teens, but the best message is to ALWAYS say something to someone who is going through a difficult time and/or a lengthy process. Thank you so much for your comments!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-98493474331127472016-07-08T20:50:05.277-07:002016-07-08T20:50:05.277-07:00Thank you so much, Charlotte. You just never know ...Thank you so much, Charlotte. You just never know where this whole journey is going to take you, right? Thank you so much for your kind words, especially about saying the right thing/wrong thing/nothing. I can say that the most hurtful thing is when people are silent around your situation, never asking or bringing up your situation. It makes a body feel invalidated. I appreciate though how difficult it is to approach people going through something hard to understand, and I feel the same way about other situations not infertility related. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-90759788000970805172016-07-08T16:34:07.504-07:002016-07-08T16:34:07.504-07:00A number of things I'd like to comment on here...A number of things I'd like to comment on here. First, the tinge of relief and then the guilt. Oh, I know that guilt well. It doesn't belong anywhere near you, but it sneaks in and sets about making you feel rotten.<br /><br />You said, "imagine how it feels to live it?" I suspect that's what is behind some of the comments you're getting. Friends and family hate to see their loved ones in pain, or stressed. Even if you don't appear stressed, they're probably imagining what it is like to go through this. They often think that the solution is to shut down the thing causing the stress. When that's not what you need. But it is certainly done, I believe, with the best intentions. Educating them about what you need is hard, but might help? And yes, it sucks that you have to be the ones who do the educating. <br /><br />And I agree on the silence issue - if there's one thing I have learned out of all this it's not to be silent. If only we could have this taught in schools!<br /><br />Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-30332956363852923432016-07-08T09:14:38.386-07:002016-07-08T09:14:38.386-07:00I'm sorry people are already questioning you w...I'm sorry people are already questioning you when it's none of their business exactly how long you guys plan to wait. I would imagine it's one of those things that you don't exactly know the answer to anyway until the time comes. I actually know someone who decided after a year to stop waiting and live child-free. Their home study with their agency was up and they came to the decision and we're making plans and excited about traveling and the future. Turned out, their state kept their home study for two years, not one like their agency, so they were eligible at the state level and didn't realize it. And they got a call from the state. They actually had to think about taking the placement or not. It wasn't an easy decision for them to go back on. So one never really knows what's in their path and what the future might bring.<br />I really like how you say "I can work with the wrong thing and not stay mad for long". So many times (and not just in regard to ALI issues, but to anything hard that I don't understand) I stay silent because I don't know what to say or don't want to say the wrong, terrible thing. Sometimes I just admit "wow, I don't know what to say". And I know that's unhelpful. It will definitely make me think twice about not saying anything the next time a situation comes up.<br /> I appreciate that you can see the other side of it, that it must be hard for other people to think there is nothing good to say to you guys. It really shows your character to not be mad at other people's reactions to a situation difficult for many to understand, and that you GET that. So many people don't think that way, and it makes supporting them so much harder. <br />Always, always in your corner with prayers!!Charlottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08987444437659867827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-22516429032560365592016-07-08T07:02:52.324-07:002016-07-08T07:02:52.324-07:00Thank you...it took several days to get it all tog...Thank you...it took several days to get it all together. I was afraid it might come across as whiny, but at the same time I want to give people a window into what it feels like to be where we are. You are so right -- just the homestudy update itself was difficult, because it meant a year had passed and we were truly no closer to actually having a baby in arms. Thank you for being one of the best tempered cheerleaders! I love squishy hugs. :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-20303788614650478832016-07-08T07:01:20.830-07:002016-07-08T07:01:20.830-07:00Thank you, so much. It is one of those things wher...Thank you, so much. It is one of those things where people who haven't experienced this can't truly understand it. They can try, but that concept of waiting and waiting and not knowing for very long periods of time is hard to wrap your head around. Thanks for your support and cheers! Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-7043150563040478342016-07-07T21:26:38.025-07:002016-07-07T21:26:38.025-07:00You put a lot of heart into this post. Not that y...You put a lot of heart into this post. Not that you don't in your others, but this one really breaks it down on many levels. I am sorry that you are in a perpetual waiting mode. Limboland sucks. I am especially sad that you are already getting questions about IF it is time to quit with the adoption route. That is heartbreaking, even more so with having mustered through getting all of the paperwork updated. That process alone must a reminder of the time that has passed. You definitely need your cheerleaders now, tempered cheerleaders. I'm here, and I'm reading along. Big squishy hugs!Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06275071143469111072noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-20708003867869348752016-07-06T19:23:28.703-07:002016-07-06T19:23:28.703-07:00That really, really, really sucks and I'm sorr...That really, really, really sucks and I'm sorry you're getting those questions. Very frustrating, upsetting and unhelpful. The not-knowing/waiting/hoping/wondering when aspect of infertility is very hard to explain to people who haven't been through some part of the thing. <br /><br />I hope things will come together soon for you - and wish fervently that there was something to say that would somehow make the wait easier. And like others, here to support and cheer you on in this journey. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-26054890254176362712016-07-06T16:44:00.214-07:002016-07-06T16:44:00.214-07:00Thank you, so much. It was interesting, I had some...Thank you, so much. It was interesting, I had someone at the end of the school year ask me, "Did you ever imagine that this would be where you were in trying to have a family?" And I was like "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Why on earth would I have imagined all the twists and turns that have led me here? Does anyone imagine exactly the way their life is going to turn out?" Obviously I didn't say all that, but it was so strange to me. We don't get to know what's going to happen, or why the things that happen, happen. Waiting totally sucks. I hope alignment is working its way as we speak. (Ever the optimist...) Thanks for your thoughts and support!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-14815684988646031252016-07-06T16:42:01.505-07:002016-07-06T16:42:01.505-07:00Thank you so much...I am both glad and sorry that ...Thank you so much...I am both glad and sorry that you relate so closely. I will think of you and your match, and hope for the best. It is so hard to wait and wait and then not feel free to be excited for a potential match because everything else has gone so poorly. I hope that things turn around on that trajectory, for the both of us. Thank you for your thoughts!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-81397696766951588242016-07-06T16:39:11.370-07:002016-07-06T16:39:11.370-07:00Thank you -- too funny, "the internet is stil...Thank you -- too funny, "the internet is still behind you." Yes, yes you are! I think people just don't know what to say, and what seems like a perfectly innocent question is to me loaded with undertones shouting QUIT! QUIT ALREADY! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE A PARENT ALREADY! Sometimes I wonder how much of it is that nasty inner voice in the back of the head that whispers mean things when you catch your reflection in a car window. Thank you for your support! Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-43320126391586446502016-07-06T16:37:00.986-07:002016-07-06T16:37:00.986-07:00Yes...we just figure it out. We do what needs to b...Yes...we just figure it out. We do what needs to be done. But it sucks that it's always such an uphill battle. Thank you for your kind words! I find you to be a strong woman as well and I so hope that your current hope is going so, so well. You are close in my thoughts, too. Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-49476230107905693842016-07-06T16:35:59.819-07:002016-07-06T16:35:59.819-07:00Thank you so much...it has been percolating for a ...Thank you so much...it has been percolating for a couple of weeks and I had to step away from it and rewrite because initially I felt defensive, or like I was explaining away my feelings too much, or like I was addressing one person. I'm not...these comments have come casually and without malice from a variety of people, it just set off a feeling of "reset your empathy, people!" in me. No one has said, "When are you going to stop?" they have just said, "How long will you do this?" which to me sounds similar. <br /><br />I love "Stop being the one to offer the advice and instead listen." Such wise words. <br /><br />Thanks for the love and the cheers! Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-47378292541274734632016-07-06T15:14:19.051-07:002016-07-06T15:14:19.051-07:00I am here to support you whatever happens and what...I am here to support you whatever happens and whatever twists in the road. None of us can predict what those will be. Sadly we all live in an imperfect world that doesn't always align with our desires. But I hope events in the bigger world do finally align so that you are able to have a family. Waiting sucks. torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-18442513533945417272016-07-06T12:46:23.603-07:002016-07-06T12:46:23.603-07:00This is SO SO good. I don't even know what to ...This is SO SO good. I don't even know what to write, because I just want to "like" every sentence (I mean, I don't like it, but I relate!).<br /><br />We have had a similar trajectory and every new path or option seems to lead to more frustration and waiting. And I feel like the people in our lives have no idea what to say... and I understand. But, like you said: IMAGINE LIVING IT.<br /><br />We are 13 months into our adoption journey and have finally been matched. But, we have strong reasons to believe it might fall through and so are guarding our hearts closely.Stephhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03655849382429514056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-43068550098404612802016-07-06T11:52:07.082-07:002016-07-06T11:52:07.082-07:00I'm sorry that people are asking you about qui...I'm sorry that people are asking you about quitting. That is not helpful and like Cristy said, why are they offering advice about something they don't know anything about and instead just listening to you?<br /><br />The internet is still behind you and supporting you. Come on FutureBaby!Non Sequitur Chicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07268138421234170972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-40475341995477812442016-07-06T09:59:20.277-07:002016-07-06T09:59:20.277-07:00I've been sitting here for a few minutes tryin...I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to come up with the right words. As we enter our 8th year of trying to become a family I don't know that I even know how to put it into words most of the time how this journey has affected us and how to use that to help others.<br /><br />Women like us, women who are used to the hard road, the ones who are used to heartache followed by more waiting and followed by more heartache. We just figure it out I think.<br /><br />You are a strong wonderful woman and I keep you close in my thoughts as you endure more waiting. I'm here if you ever need a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. (HUGS)Lavonne @ the OCD infertilehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17506595995853364027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-79599322870107980372016-07-06T09:05:52.833-07:002016-07-06T09:05:52.833-07:00I'm bookmarking this post and passing it on to...I'm bookmarking this post and passing it on to those who need it. There is so much wisdom here Jess. And others will benefit from this. Thank you.<br /><br />I'm sorry you are dealing with people asking these questions about stopping. That plain sucks. You're absolutely right, you're well within the time frame and, more importantly, you're not ready to do so. I just wish people would hear that. Stop being the one to offer the advice and instead listen.<br /><br />Sending love. And still cheering you on.Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.com