tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post3169628615541741505..comments2023-11-19T21:42:17.901-08:00Comments on My Path to Mommyhood: Family Reunion Opt-OutJesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-50845853353868164792013-07-28T17:59:11.303-07:002013-07-28T17:59:11.303-07:00Thank you for understanding! That must have been r...Thank you for understanding! That must have been rough in its own way, having people not knowing the pain you were going through. Nice in other ways, though. I hope next year is a different experience, too... that would be an incredibly refreshing change.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-47781459656920031312013-07-26T09:15:08.668-07:002013-07-26T09:15:08.668-07:00I totally understand why you didn't attend. I...I totally understand why you didn't attend. I would have done the same thing. It's exponentially harder to be around family that is fertile than friends or strangers. It's your family cooing over either a bump or a child and you have to sit back just wishing that they would do that for you someday.<br /><br />For us basically only my parents and my sister knew that we were going through treatments so no one even realized the pain we were going through every month. <br /><br />I truly hope that next year you will be able to proudly show off either a bump or a kid at the next reunion.Non Sequitur Chicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07268138421234170972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-1636713665238144172013-07-24T07:39:44.245-07:002013-07-24T07:39:44.245-07:00Wow, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment....Wow, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. That statement of your friend, "That sounds an awful lot like a choice to me" made my blood boil. Well, yeah, we can choose to make ourselves miserable all the time and expose ourselves to hurt that very few truly understand, or we can choose to exercise our right to self-care. I doubt that your pregnant "friend" would choose to join you in a pregnancy loss ceremony in the throes of her gestation, but you would probably totally understand that. And, it totally depends on where you are in the process. I agree with you--heading into a cycle I am far more able to handle these situations because I can see myself in the shoes of the people with the babies. But coming out of a failure or a loss makes it nearly impossible because I simply have a much harder time believing that this is ever going to happen. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for your stories! May this next go-round be the end of all this uncertainty and stagnancy at last. :)Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-32465825775441713092013-07-24T04:15:20.574-07:002013-07-24T04:15:20.574-07:00This has been one of the most difficult territorie...This has been one of the most difficult territories for me to navigate, too, and I empathize with all of this so much! It sounds like you did precisely what you needed to do to protect your heart & mind & health. There is only so much we can take. It pains me that you've had to endure failure on the DE front and of course you are exasperated---the industry kind of puts DE out there as "at last, you will have a child," and we, tired and yearning, want to believe it is nearly failsafe. <br /><br />I once tried to explain to a friend that the most difficult thing about my situation is this isolation you write about. Everyone moving on in their lives, celebrating all of this natural human development, and I can't join in, I can't move on *with* them, though I yearn to with everything in me. The response from this pregnant friend was: "That sounds an awful lot like choice to me," and she said it was my "personal failing" that I was isolated. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. I sometimes wonder if our group of friends from SW school know about our falling out and so as to avoid awkwardness do not invite me to gatherings---totally an assumption, but I live in LI now and never hear about dinners, parties, etc., and I just wonder...<br /><br />Another thing I've been thinking about lately is how many times I have experienced isolation as a result of my short temper (caused by my stress level and infertility). I am dealing with this mammoth other thing no one knows about, I have to navigate it simultaneous to navigating the normal stresses of personal and work life, and I know that has had an overall effect on *all* of my relationships...I don't feel as close to family and friends in general and am working hard to repair all of that...<br /><br />It won't be a magic bullet when you become a mama, but when you do, you will be at that family gathering with a baby in your belly or your arms, and you will be able to join in that celebration of life, that fun and excitement. I wish you could enjoy reunions right now, but you are not super-human. <br /><br />One psychological study I read says that infertile couples suffer most from "self-imposed isolation" and that effective treatments will focus on helping couples reintegrate...I remember thinking when I read it: Are you kidding me? Because at the time I was about to have my fifth loss, and I was thinking: I have to protect myself right now, or I will die, maybe literally. I have to hunker down, lick my wounds, and heal. The article was saying: You heal best by being social with your peer group and facing parents & children. I was saying: That goes against every natural instinct I have and cannot be right.<br /><br />Of course, now, things are different. It has been a while since a devastation. Last weekend, DH and I were looking at printed out donor profiles at a brunch place, surrounded by playing, laughing, crying children, and instead of feeling weird and isolated and hurt, I was watching them, trying to get a sense of what it was going to be like to have one. There we were, childless and looking at profiles of fertile women, sandwiched between two fertile couples and their progeny, and I wasn't sad in the least. Crazy.<br /><br />It doesn't surprise me that a meme about cancer touches you so deeply. It is like surviving cancer, it really really is, even though people who've never gone through it would balk at such a statement. But studies show that we experience stress levels equivalent to those who have cancer or HIV. This is the most basic, primal urge in the animal kingdom, and we can't fulfill it. <br /><br />Much love to you. <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-51412405791113955602013-07-23T06:45:59.858-07:002013-07-23T06:45:59.858-07:00Thank you, lady! I always feel fine opting out of ...Thank you, lady! I always feel fine opting out of baby showers, first birthday parties, etc etc but this one had me a little conflicted. Oh, yeah, a whole weekend with a baby would be too much. Good choice on that one! I like, "You should go happily or not at all." Great advice. I am hopeful that this will not last forever, but sometimes it really, really feels that way. (I'm sure you can relate!!!) Having a plan for our next steps in my hands will help.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7998166587816121679.post-84780338165499961212013-07-22T18:15:10.755-07:002013-07-22T18:15:10.755-07:00I think it is completely fine to opt out of events...I think it is completely fine to opt out of events like this. I have done my fair share of this over the past couple of years, and especially after my third failed IVF. We recently said no to a weekend at the beach with friends and their 1 1/2 year old. I could just smell the disaster from here.<br /><br />I think it's wise and smart of you to know yourselves this well and not to make life any harder. Right now you have to do what feels right. There are plenty of family reunions in the future to attend. You should go happily or not at all. That's what I tell myself, and I am always glad when I can be brave enough to listen to what I really need. Good for you. This will not last forever. Lhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04638991577065880208noreply@blogger.com